8 Years.

8 years.

1 dog.

4 places of residence.

7 vehicles.

2 degrees obtained with one (still) in progress.

9 jobs held.

1 trip to France.

1 surgery.

1 infertility diagnosis.

1 trip to Maui.

1 successful round of IVF.

6 freezer babies.

1 baby girl on the way!

We Are Blessed.

It dawned on me the other day, that I most definitely would not be where I am today without this guy.  I'm not saying that I wouldn't be a functioning member of society (okay maybe), but I most definitely would not have been able to battle infertility and achieve one of my life-long goals of becoming a mother by my lonesome.  I'm specifically referring to my Mr. D - because together we were able to heal from our diagnosis, make a plan of achieving our goal, and will see parenthood come to fruition in the very-near future.  That's a huge thing to get through!  It had to be him . . . we've come a long way together . . I can't wait to see what the next year holds!

Two Little Reasons.

Sorry for the lack of posts.  At exactly 5.5 weeks,  I found myself feeling queasy in the middle of Lowes.  Forget our next stop to Costco - btw I never pass up a trip to Costco - morning sickness parked itself in my stomach and has not left.  Luckily, I have a genius of an OB/GYN who knows all of the latest MS remedies out there, and who has found a good little concoction that has allowed me to feel  like a semi-human again.  Two weeks of nausea WITH Zofran and Reglan wasn't cutting it, so we added Diclegis (basically Unisom and Vitamin B-6 in prescription form).

Okay, enough with the boring stuff and on with the exciting part . . .

We are having TWINS people!!!!!

We are feeling so lucky and so very blessed.  This is by far one of the most exciting times of our life and we couldn't ask for more . . . okay, maybe 2 healthy babies at the end of all of this, but so far so good!  Things are looking great.

Luckily, my husband has first-hand experience with twins.  He was 13 when his twin sisters were born and his mom has always said that she couldn't have done it without him.  I'm lucky to have that guy on my team.  He'll make a great dad, no doubt about it.

As of today, I am eight weeks along and feeling pretty okay!

Bear Has An Announcement . . .

This is how she really feels about it . . . 

It feels like a miracle!  It is a miracle.  Modern medicine really is wondrous, isn't it?  I've had the thought run through my mind that if I had lived during medieval times and had married a king, I would most definitely have had my head chopped off.  Lovely thought, I know.  I'm a lucky gal to be living in this day and age.  I know it and am grateful for it.

Thursday afternoon, it was confirmed to us that we are very much expecting.  Even after almost a week, it still doesn't seem real!  It's still early - super early.  In fact, I am 4 weeks and 6 days, but I don't have a "What to Expect" pregnancy iPhone app or anything ; ) Anything could happen, but I'd like to make it known that IVF did, indeed, work for us after our first round.  We are over the moon excited and feel like it couldn't be better timing!

"One or two babies??" Now THAT is the question. . .

I Feel Like the Easter Bunny

Things are looking good . . . 9 little follicles-good!  We were nervous for a couple days, but when it came down to the wire, things blossomed.  Feels like the story of my life.

Retrieval date  is anticipated for Wednesday. . . if you're interested I'm at this step of the IVF process.  Yes, 3 shots a day.  Track marks on my bum, prescribed-weight-gain, and bloating all better be worth something in the end!

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy the greenery out here?  This is the result of Midwesterners enduring long and frigid winters.  I just get to reap the benefits!

A Very Happy Mother's Day Weekend, Indeed.

It happened, Friday morning.  The very last and final of my fertility tests, my sonohysterogram.  As the sonographer searched through my file for notes regarding further testing, I jumped up and felt like screaming, "It's been a fun ride, but . . PEACE OUT!"  My face says it all . . .

It was necessary that my joy be documented.  My uterus is clear.  As the sonographer put it, "Your uterus shows no signs of interference for implantation."  Hooray for a good baby maker! In all seriousness, though, I've had this fear that if any medical professional was given the opportunity to peek inside my uterus, I'd be a lost cause.  On the contrary, there is NOTHING!  As planned, zero surgery. . . yay! . . we will proceed with IVF next month.  I'm beyond giddy!  It feels like Christmas/the end of the school year/we're going on a fabulous vacation - all bundled up into one package and then multiplied by ten.

Yes, it's another Mother's Day sans enfant, but I received some really excellent news; and I could not be more grateful.  I'm thankful for the tender mercies.  They are real and they are there.  At the very beginning of this roller-coaster-ride-of-a-trial, I was devastated and I was bitter.  Shamefully, I have to say that I've never really had anything not go my way, and so it was a hard pill to swallow.  I totally get it now.  It's hard to explain, but a lot of things needed to change and I think that this trial was what it took for it to all happen.  Trust me, I have a l-o-n-n-g-g-g way to go (don't we all, though?), but I think I'm a better and stronger person than I was a year ago.  I believe Steven could attest to it all.  We've come a long way together, he and I . . . I love that guy and all that he does for us.

Speaking of roller coaster rides, Steven and I were 2 of 4 chaperones to take 45 of his 8th graders to Magic Mountain.  Let me tell you, "It was fabulous!" 22 hours - there and back . . . the kids were super cool and my husband sure seems to have found his path.  It's sure good to see Mr. D in his element.

I am praying that my 'roller coaster pics' don't go viral.  They are, in fact, that bad.  Let's just say, that the teenager behind the counter, knew exactly where our pictures were.  Yikes!

On Being Godparents

I have been waiting for the right moment to post this and I finally feel like that time is now.  Last Wednesday, the day before her scheduled C-Section; I received a call from my dear cousin, Ange (she's the closest relative that I have to a younger sister).  I was all excited because it was the day before baby girl's big debut and I hadn't spoken to Ange in a while.  After a couple of minutes of catching up, she proceeded to tell me that she and her husband had discussed, and wanted to know if Steven and I would be willing to accept the role of their daughter's Godparents.  My heart stopped.  In a good way!  It was the biggest surprise and also the best!  I said, "But we're not Lutheran!  Is that okay?!" She confirmed that it was just fine; that it is a role of guiding her throughout her life, spiritually.  We accepted most graciously.

At a time where I feel like maybe there is a reason that we aren't able to have children of our own, my sweet cousin (heart of gold, no joke) and her dear husband asked us if we would be Godparents to their brand new baby girl.  She assured me that we are the best candidates.  My heart has been so full.  I can see that Steven feels the same way.  What a huge honor and blessing!  I have shed many tears of gratitude and have felt completely humbled at this opportunity.

As mentioned above, Ange has a heart of gold and with a husband with a very similar personality as my Steven, I feel so lucky that we have an extra reason to be in their lives.  We will do our very best to assure her of the love that we have for her, remind her of all that she has been blessed with, and to let her know that she is in fact; a daughter of God.  Welcome to the world, Tenley Marie.  You are perfection.

Recent Thoughts

I'm in the mood to write.  I wrote my brother.  I updated his blog.  I sent out some other emails.  I'm feeling introverted, but I'm feeling good.  I have had some reoccurring thoughts, mostly me trying to analyze things and where I stand, we stand, one stands, and I've come up with some conclusions. . .

1.  Marriage is hard to wrap your head around - Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way.  I've stopped and just stared at Steven and thought, "Oh my gosh, you committed your life around mine and I've committed mine around yours!"  We plan EVERYTHING around each other and we have been doing so for so many years.  It's a trip, but it's good . . . definitely good!  Probably better than it's ever been.  Seven years is for the birds.  If you asked me at five . . . it probably would have been different! Ha!

2.  Marriage shows your vulnerability - Remember the days when you and your spouse were dating?  You were always pretty, 100% optimistic, and had very few vices?  It has come to mind recently, that this person who I NEVER in a million years would have wanted to view me negatively; has seen me at my worst.  Physically ugly (bed head, sans makeup, winter-pale), emotionally ugly (we won't get into details),  my most embarrassing moments (won't get into those either!), times of weakness, etc. Yep.  Seen it all.  That is vulnerability my friends.

3. I love LOVE being a girl  - There is no doubt in my mind that I was born to be a girl.  More specifically, gender and gender role.  Call me simple-minded/submissive-wife(haha, yeah right)/embarrassment-to-women-fighting-for-feminist-movements . . . I just happen to think that I am secure in my role.  Cooking, cleaning (okay maybe not so much), decorating, crafting, making home and family enjoyable . . . that's me.  And I love it!  I think it was mostly my upbringing.  In fact, sometimes I think my parents depended on me for certain things over my brothers.  Could be because I was the oldest, but they always treated me like I was completely capable of anything.  Maybe I'm not  capable of getting preggers without some medical intervention, but I'm not thinking along those lines anymore. . .  Also, my Dad was an excellent example as to how to treat my mom as his equal.  They were and are a great example to me.  So yes, I enjoy being a girl and everything that comes with it.

4.  Where I work is pretty magical - I love working in a school, specifically in a school library.  There is something about being in an organized environment of growth and learning; one that includes books and tales of fascinating stories.  I love those sweet faces and comments.  Sure, I break up fights on the playground and I've been called things that I didn't know kids these days knew existed.  Overall, it's beautiful and innocent and happy.

5.  Cancer is horrible - I have heard so many stories about young people with cancer.  Breaks my heart.  It doesn't seem fair and doesn't seem like something that one should be fighting or having to worry about.  Especially, at a young age.  They are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

And to leave on a positive note . . .

6.  My niece is the most darling/chubby-cheeked/nugget/cherry blossom WALKING little human being.  9 months old and walking.  Some kids make it to 14 months without doing so. Impressive on her part.  I just wish that I didn't live so far away, which leaves me not being able to see her meet all of her little accomplishments.  I couldn't stop gazing at her over Christmas break and my mom told me that it's even more so with your own.  Note to Steven, when we have our own . . . some things may never get done!

From This Day Forward . . .

He shall be called "Hernie"

Results are in . . . Hernia surgery for this guy . . . TBD.  

Grateful that his pains were nothing worse!

In the meantime, he has to lay off the golf and the countless weeknights of basketball

PS - Aren't hernias for old people?

Gallery Wall

Did I mention that I am happy?  Because I am!  Life is pretty dang good . . . although it's far from perfect . . . it is good and it is full!    

When I am happy . . . I get things accomplished. 

A while back, I decided that I wanted a small gallery wall going up our stairs.  Originally, I thought (and purchased) 4 - 14"x17" West Elm Gallery Frames with the intention of doing colored photos but after much contemplation and planning via Pinterest I decided that I wanted the clean and modern look of black and whites.  So glad I did!

I went back to West Elm (so very much my favorite store right now) yesterday and exchanged 2 of the frames for 1 - 13"x13" square and 1 - 9"x11" . . I did it because I like the different sizes of our personal photo prints and it saved me a good little chunk of money. 

On a side note - West Elm's frames are a must.  Simply, for the fact that they give you a perfect wall mounting pattern.  Saved me so much time in the long run.

Each photo is something that has been very special to us throughout our marriage.  It reminds us of the good that we do have in our life!

Yet, Again!

Thanksgiving weekend was fabulous!  It's so wonderful to be able to celebrate a day of gratitude for all of the many blessings in your life, and then to have a few days off in order to gear up for the holidays.

In a lot of ways, this has been one of the hardest years of my life (maybe even hardest?) but I have grown so much; and what I do have . . .has manifested itself ten-fold.  It may sound ridiculous, but I am so happy that I consistently posted onto my "30 Days of Thanksgiving" via Instagram.  It has helped me identify the things that I do have, rather than dwell on the things that I don't have.  There have been several occasions, where I have been brought to tears with complete joy and gratitude.  I don't think that in all of my existence, I have had a Thanksgiving season quite like this one.

Life is good.

I am blessed.

I actually signed onto this little blog thinking that I would just post about one of my weekend's projects, but it just seemed fitting to express my most recent thoughts.

So yes, I made another yarn wreath.  The last one was so fun that I thought that I would try my luck at it again . . . and with a felt poinsettia tutorial on Pinterest, why not make a Christmas one?!

Any fun holiday crafting in the works for you?

With a "crafting bug" that has hit me so hard . . . I have a list full!

Conference Weekend and Getting Festive

I love conference weekend.  So many inspiring and uplifting things are said, which make you ponder your own life and put things into perspective.  Here are a few of the quotes that struck me most with my life and our situation. . . 


"So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness — a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial." "The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness."


"No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it. Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf


"There is a tragic irony in the multitude of children eliminated or injured before birth while throngs of infertile couples long for and seek babies to adopt." -Dallin H. Oaks 


By definition, trials will be trying. "There may be anguish, confusion, sleepless nights and pillows wet with tears. But our trials need not be spiritually fatal. They need not take us from our covenants, or from the household of God." -Neil L. Andersen

It's true, we've been through a lot this year, but I can honestly say that things are getting easier and that I'm in a better place.  I'm in a place where I can hear these words and be open and receptive.  

As for my weekend of craftiness. . . 

When I received my October issue of Country Living  I thought, "I'll do that!"  They made it seem so easy. . .tape your chevron pattern, paint away, and Voila!  

Nope. . .paint came off with the painter's tape.  The only reason I finished the asymmetrical pumpkin is because I did it by hand.

On the bright side, I actually have something on my porch this year, and Halloween and Fall decorations are out! 

First Week Back Recap

1.  I survived my first week back to school! I came home exhausted everyday, but I managed, nonetheless!

2.  I have really good friends. . . like really good.  Some family, too . . . you know who you are!  I am grateful for them checking in on me, their sensitivities, and leaving me words of encouragement.  It's been overwhelmingly kind!

3.  We have decided to do IVF back in IL under my dad's practice.  We are fortunate to be able to get it at cost.  It will still set us back a bit, but will sure beat the 13k price tag here!  With some money saved and time off to be monitored, we'll start at the beginning of next summer. 

4.  My parents leave for France, one week from today, and I'm uber jealous!  It's my Papi's 80th birthday.  Oh, how I miss them! I'm thinking that I will repost my France entries from our trip last year . . . for old time's sake.  

My Grandparents' property - St. Die, France - April 2011 

On my Bring-Back-From-France wish-list:

*Chocolate (LOTS of it!)

*Carambar aux fruits

*Timotei shampoo (for Steven)

*Le Petit Marseillais body wash for me . . .suggestions?

*Anything else that would be cute in my home - that is soooo Francais!

On My Mind.

We're back!  We made it to Vegas safely. . . thank goodness!  I can say that this time around, I did most of the driving.  I didn't even get pulled over . . . I wish Steven could say the same. Ha! 

 In all fairness, he only got a warning (in Iowa - on the way to IL).  I'm only calling him out because he likes to criticize my driving.

Picture dedicated to my brother Christopher, who says, "Keep sending me pictures of palm trees and I'll move out there."  So I'm taking his word for it; he may be getting 1-2 pictures a daily.

Anyways, a glimpse of what has been on my 'impatient' mind (as my mom would say) as of lately. . .

- I forgot how much I love tennis!  We played a few times while we were in Illinois and had so much fun; that we made a deal to play more often when we got home.  First night back. . .and we actually did go and play! I won the first set!

-I don't remember ever being so impatient (see above).  Mid-ranting about something, I apologized to my mom for being so unpleasant during the majority of the trip.  We had a good trip. . .that's the truth. . .but if something frustrating came up that I would have to address or even hear about (medical bills for past and present procedures, coordinating plans while we were there, hearing about others' drama and frustrations), I was done.  I would not have wanted to be around me.  I'm surprised that my family didn't tell me to go back to where I came from!  Upon my apology, I told my my mom that I feel like I have very little control of what is going on in my life and that I hate it.  She told me that she completely understood but that I'm also showing signs of despondency, which should probably be addressed.  I'm lucky to have a mom who will sit down and listen.  She's always been that way and I am grateful for her feedback.

-I have a million things that I want to do around my house and the majority of them have to do with getting organized.  

-I'm not feeling the urge to socialize.  That sounds sad, considering I thrive being around others . . . but no,  I'm happy doing things by myself.  I'm happy to be around people, I'm not a buzz-kill.  At least, I don't think I am?

-Cooking has become sort of a passion of mine.  I love it.  I baked and cooked for my family back in Illinois and I've decided that researching new recipes, is as exciting as cooking in itself!  This morning I made stuffed French toast, and tonight; we had pulled BBQ chicken.  Leftovers are being used towards a Pinterest recipe!

-I'm glad that I cut my bangs.  It's a good change and Steven really likes them. . . surprisingly!  Christopher (my brother) and Steven call me "Bang-Bang".  It's funnier with the accent they use . . . makes me chuckle every time.  We'll see how long the bangs stay.  I'm thinking it's a phase; a need for control. For now, good.

-Speaking of control . . . I got on the scale last night . . .fully prepared to see my weight plus an extra 6 - 10 pounds.  I even took my hoodie off for the extra leeway.  My mom's cooking plus the fact that my chest grew back (maybe TMI - but when your hormones are chemically induced to go from menopause to faking-your-body-into-thinking-it's-pregnant, in a matter of seven months . . . it happens), I fully anticipated weight gain.  None.  Thank goodness.  It may sound completely bratty to be grateful, but I'm also completely irrational these days.  I'll blame it on the bi-polar hormones.

-I thought it would be a tough adjustment with the change in landscape, but no!  It feels good to be in the bright sun and see all of the palms again!  Plus, I kind of fell in love with our little home all over again!

And there you go.  The joys of a restless mind.

To My Parentals

Last night, we noshed on these sweet treats because today is my parents' 31st wedding anniversary!  It was a last minute surprise that I threw together, but they were surprised. . . indeed!

I am grateful for the example of marriage that my parents are to me.  I'm glad that we could be here to celebrate with them, even if it was a quick and simple celebration.  Sometimes those turn out to be the best!

Happy 31 Years Mom & Dad!!!

Cupcakes are from Halo Cupcake in Rockford, IL

Feeling Zen

My sister-in-law made it known to me that Anderson Japanese Gardens, here in Rockford, takes donations on the third Thursday of every month - rather than their usual $8.00 admission (adult) fee.  In all of my youth/upbringing, I NEVER made it to Anderson Gardens.  Which is surprising, because it's a field-trip 'hot spot'!

 
I am beyond appreciative that we were able to go. The gardens are absolutely breathtaking!  The interesting thing is that Japenese gardens have very little color; they go by textures/height/different shades of green foliage and lots of water. Simple. Stunning, nonetheless.

If you are in the Rockford area, Anderson Gardens is a must-see! I can't wait to go sometime during the fall, when the trees are starting to turn.

With my many neighborhood walks here and my desert hikes back home, I've decided that I am a much happier person when I am among nature.  I feel much more balanced!

The Good Life.

I found this photo on my dad's phone and had to steal it!  It's from one of their numerous boys-only golf outings over the past month.  It makes me so happy to see that cute husband of mine (white polo - the other good looking chap is my little brother), so content.  It's a rarity that you capture a real smile from Mr. D on camera, so naturally it must be shared! 

Holden family time.  Happy/relaxed husband.  Husband who can have fun with the men in my family - sans moi.  Our time off spent in my homeland. 

I can honestly say, "Life right now, doesn't get better than this!"

   

STL Adventure

I apologize for being a bad blogger while on vacation.  You would think that with the more time I have, the more inclined I'd feel to be on the ball.  Unfortunately, it's made me really lazy!

The time here has been great!  My mom and I have spent lots of time in the kitchen together; chatting and making up fixings for the fam (I don't know why I just chose Southern verbage).  This is time spent that I will cherish forever.  

Last weekend my brother Shane, brother Christopher, Mr. D, and I drove down to Saint Louis, MO for a Saint Louis Cardinals game.  Only four hours away from my home in IL. . . it was my very first time in St. Louis.  Christopher, on the other hand, is a diehard Cardinals fan; so he's been numerous times.  We got some really great tickets, booked our hotel, and made a quick 2-day trip down south.  Nothing like a good old fashioned baseball game during the summer!

The weather was hot and humid, it made Vegas seem like a piece of cake (we look like a hot mess in most of our pictures).  The weather in the Midwest has since eased up and is incredibly beautiful!  Makes me so happy!

I sold my free replica ring for $20. . .yay!  I guess they go for much higher on Ebay.  I really could care less. . . it was free at the door!

We attempted our first Man vs. Food extravaganza, but because it's supposedly amazing. . . the line was crazy busy for Pappy's Smokehouse and with the weather being the way it was; no thanks!  Next time!

Weed Killer

I'm back on this stuff . . .

In my case, known as, "weed killer".

I am (finally!) at the tail end of my diagnostic testing.  Day 3 of my cycle fell on Monday, so I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  I still hate both!  

I've kind of grown accustomed to what goes on during these ultrasounds (there have been at least five since January) so I know what they are looking for.  I heard my doctor read all of the measurements and then all of a sudden, I hear, "2.5 cm cyst".  

What?!

So, I blurted out, "I have another cyst?!"

He told me that I do, indeed, have another (more than likely) Endometrioma growing on the same ovary.  In other words, Endometriosis, is very much like a bunch of 'weeds' growing throughout my female reproductive organs.

He said that he would not put me through surgery, but that we would keep it contained with the pill.  Apparently, having your period, is really bad for Endometriosis.

He also said that surgery would be bad, because the Endometriosis is attacking my eggs.  At my age, I'm supposed to show 8-12 mature eggs on each ovary; I'm showing 6 on both sides.

I see a hysterectomy in my near-ish (ten years maybe?) future.

Good news is...

My FSH levels came back normal, so they (the eggs) are at least good!

*Another small victory!*

So. . . I'm taking the pill for the next month, because we are leaving for Illinois on Thursday (Yay. . .for a whole month with my family!)  Then, we'll try up to four rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  It may be a waste of time, but my insurance covers up to six rounds of the procedure.  If those don't work, we'll move on to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

It's kind of a relief, to have a time frame of what's going to happen.  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than I have been.  I am, by no means happy, that this is the path we have to take . . . it'd be much more exciting if it happened like it does for the majority of the population.  However, if there is an option, we'll take it.   

My doctor's last words on the phone today, were, "We'll get you pregnant soon."

Let's hope!

Steven said to me today, "That's crazy that you could be pregnant by the end of the year!"

He's been pretty cute through all of this. . . definitely one of my biggest fans!

I picked up this cute little trio today at Target while waiting for my prescription to be filled.  Maybe I should reconsider Target as my pharmacy.  

Aren't they darling?!

Souvenirs From Maui

I'm really slacking on posting photos from our vacation.  I'm trying to touch up a bunch of them before they are all uploaded for my free Shutterfly book.  I love it when I get those coupons - it happened to come at the perfect time!

Readjusting, has also thrown me into a kind of a funk. 

 I remember back in 2005, calling my mom after she had just gotten home from a month-long stay in France; and she seemed like she wanted nothing to do with any of us or just life, in general.  At the time, I was kind of hurt because Steven and I were seriously dating and I was hinting towards my parents meeting him.  I sent her a text on Wednesday morning, letting her know how I completely understood her frustration with coming back to real life...especially when it's crappy (she was under a lot of stress at the time).

Wednesday afternoon, I didn't want to think about my next doctor's appointment or dropping a large chunk of change on four new tires.  Who knew that tires were so expensive?! Yikes!  Reality slaps you in the face. . . quickly.    

That's life and I know it. . . we could have it a lot worse.  It just makes me realize how grateful I am for good vacations!

A few of my favorite things that we brought back from our trip. . .

Steven's new wedding ring!  We renewed our vows. . .kidding. . .but we kind of renewed our spirits.  It's Titanium (good for him - he hates the weight of jewelry) and koa wood.  I think it fits him!

All of this goodness - minus the pineapple. . . we're having that beauty tonight.  Hopefully, it lives up to the Maui Golds!

. . .And We're Back!

We're still on 'Island Time' - not the actual time. . . as in, we are feeling so laid back that it's hard to get anything done!  It's hard to be back.  I think we acclimated to their lifestyle a little too much!

We had a GREAT trip!  I felt more like myself than I have in a long time!  I was happy that Steven was able to unwind just as much.  I'll post more on what we did but for now I need to get unpacked and get laundry going. . .real life stuff...blah.