8 Years.

8 years.

1 dog.

4 places of residence.

7 vehicles.

2 degrees obtained with one (still) in progress.

9 jobs held.

1 trip to France.

1 surgery.

1 infertility diagnosis.

1 trip to Maui.

1 successful round of IVF.

6 freezer babies.

1 baby girl on the way!

We Are Blessed.

It dawned on me the other day, that I most definitely would not be where I am today without this guy.  I'm not saying that I wouldn't be a functioning member of society (okay maybe), but I most definitely would not have been able to battle infertility and achieve one of my life-long goals of becoming a mother by my lonesome.  I'm specifically referring to my Mr. D - because together we were able to heal from our diagnosis, make a plan of achieving our goal, and will see parenthood come to fruition in the very-near future.  That's a huge thing to get through!  It had to be him . . . we've come a long way together . . I can't wait to see what the next year holds!

Recent Thoughts

I'm in the mood to write.  I wrote my brother.  I updated his blog.  I sent out some other emails.  I'm feeling introverted, but I'm feeling good.  I have had some reoccurring thoughts, mostly me trying to analyze things and where I stand, we stand, one stands, and I've come up with some conclusions. . .

1.  Marriage is hard to wrap your head around - Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way.  I've stopped and just stared at Steven and thought, "Oh my gosh, you committed your life around mine and I've committed mine around yours!"  We plan EVERYTHING around each other and we have been doing so for so many years.  It's a trip, but it's good . . . definitely good!  Probably better than it's ever been.  Seven years is for the birds.  If you asked me at five . . . it probably would have been different! Ha!

2.  Marriage shows your vulnerability - Remember the days when you and your spouse were dating?  You were always pretty, 100% optimistic, and had very few vices?  It has come to mind recently, that this person who I NEVER in a million years would have wanted to view me negatively; has seen me at my worst.  Physically ugly (bed head, sans makeup, winter-pale), emotionally ugly (we won't get into details),  my most embarrassing moments (won't get into those either!), times of weakness, etc. Yep.  Seen it all.  That is vulnerability my friends.

3. I love LOVE being a girl  - There is no doubt in my mind that I was born to be a girl.  More specifically, gender and gender role.  Call me simple-minded/submissive-wife(haha, yeah right)/embarrassment-to-women-fighting-for-feminist-movements . . . I just happen to think that I am secure in my role.  Cooking, cleaning (okay maybe not so much), decorating, crafting, making home and family enjoyable . . . that's me.  And I love it!  I think it was mostly my upbringing.  In fact, sometimes I think my parents depended on me for certain things over my brothers.  Could be because I was the oldest, but they always treated me like I was completely capable of anything.  Maybe I'm not  capable of getting preggers without some medical intervention, but I'm not thinking along those lines anymore. . .  Also, my Dad was an excellent example as to how to treat my mom as his equal.  They were and are a great example to me.  So yes, I enjoy being a girl and everything that comes with it.

4.  Where I work is pretty magical - I love working in a school, specifically in a school library.  There is something about being in an organized environment of growth and learning; one that includes books and tales of fascinating stories.  I love those sweet faces and comments.  Sure, I break up fights on the playground and I've been called things that I didn't know kids these days knew existed.  Overall, it's beautiful and innocent and happy.

5.  Cancer is horrible - I have heard so many stories about young people with cancer.  Breaks my heart.  It doesn't seem fair and doesn't seem like something that one should be fighting or having to worry about.  Especially, at a young age.  They are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

And to leave on a positive note . . .

6.  My niece is the most darling/chubby-cheeked/nugget/cherry blossom WALKING little human being.  9 months old and walking.  Some kids make it to 14 months without doing so. Impressive on her part.  I just wish that I didn't live so far away, which leaves me not being able to see her meet all of her little accomplishments.  I couldn't stop gazing at her over Christmas break and my mom told me that it's even more so with your own.  Note to Steven, when we have our own . . . some things may never get done!

7 Years.

7 years.

1 dog.

4 places of residence.

7 vehicles (ridiculous).

2 degrees obtained with one in progress.

9 jobs held.

1 trip to France.

1 surgery.

1 infertility diagnosis.

1 trip to Maui.

No "itch"!

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Due to the fact that our anniversary fell on a Monday, we decided to celebrate this past weekend.  It was fantastic, simple, and so Francais!  We dined at Pamplemousse   . . . vintage Vegas at it's finest.  It's been around since 1976 and is one of Vegas's finest treasures!  You rarely find that kind of history in this town.

To My Parentals

Last night, we noshed on these sweet treats because today is my parents' 31st wedding anniversary!  It was a last minute surprise that I threw together, but they were surprised. . . indeed!

I am grateful for the example of marriage that my parents are to me.  I'm glad that we could be here to celebrate with them, even if it was a quick and simple celebration.  Sometimes those turn out to be the best!

Happy 31 Years Mom & Dad!!!

Cupcakes are from Halo Cupcake in Rockford, IL

The Good Life.

I found this photo on my dad's phone and had to steal it!  It's from one of their numerous boys-only golf outings over the past month.  It makes me so happy to see that cute husband of mine (white polo - the other good looking chap is my little brother), so content.  It's a rarity that you capture a real smile from Mr. D on camera, so naturally it must be shared! 

Holden family time.  Happy/relaxed husband.  Husband who can have fun with the men in my family - sans moi.  Our time off spent in my homeland. 

I can honestly say, "Life right now, doesn't get better than this!"

   

Weed Killer

I'm back on this stuff . . .

In my case, known as, "weed killer".

I am (finally!) at the tail end of my diagnostic testing.  Day 3 of my cycle fell on Monday, so I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  I still hate both!  

I've kind of grown accustomed to what goes on during these ultrasounds (there have been at least five since January) so I know what they are looking for.  I heard my doctor read all of the measurements and then all of a sudden, I hear, "2.5 cm cyst".  

What?!

So, I blurted out, "I have another cyst?!"

He told me that I do, indeed, have another (more than likely) Endometrioma growing on the same ovary.  In other words, Endometriosis, is very much like a bunch of 'weeds' growing throughout my female reproductive organs.

He said that he would not put me through surgery, but that we would keep it contained with the pill.  Apparently, having your period, is really bad for Endometriosis.

He also said that surgery would be bad, because the Endometriosis is attacking my eggs.  At my age, I'm supposed to show 8-12 mature eggs on each ovary; I'm showing 6 on both sides.

I see a hysterectomy in my near-ish (ten years maybe?) future.

Good news is...

My FSH levels came back normal, so they (the eggs) are at least good!

*Another small victory!*

So. . . I'm taking the pill for the next month, because we are leaving for Illinois on Thursday (Yay. . .for a whole month with my family!)  Then, we'll try up to four rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  It may be a waste of time, but my insurance covers up to six rounds of the procedure.  If those don't work, we'll move on to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

It's kind of a relief, to have a time frame of what's going to happen.  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than I have been.  I am, by no means happy, that this is the path we have to take . . . it'd be much more exciting if it happened like it does for the majority of the population.  However, if there is an option, we'll take it.   

My doctor's last words on the phone today, were, "We'll get you pregnant soon."

Let's hope!

Steven said to me today, "That's crazy that you could be pregnant by the end of the year!"

He's been pretty cute through all of this. . . definitely one of my biggest fans!

I picked up this cute little trio today at Target while waiting for my prescription to be filled.  Maybe I should reconsider Target as my pharmacy.  

Aren't they darling?!

. . .And We're Back!

We're still on 'Island Time' - not the actual time. . . as in, we are feeling so laid back that it's hard to get anything done!  It's hard to be back.  I think we acclimated to their lifestyle a little too much!

We had a GREAT trip!  I felt more like myself than I have in a long time!  I was happy that Steven was able to unwind just as much.  I'll post more on what we did but for now I need to get unpacked and get laundry going. . .real life stuff...blah.

My Main Man!

Okay, obviously it's Steven, but this guy is probably my #1 right now. . .due to the fact that I see him 2+ times a week.

Meet...

Dr. Daneshmand
aka Dr. D


he's pretty endearing!

Months ago, even before I knew that our fertility struggle would go this far, I talked to a co-worker who had her little girl through IVF.  We talked a lot (and continue to talk A LOT) and she suggested that if I ever had issues, to go and see Dr. D.  Well, lucky for me, my insurance covers fertility testing through FCLV where Dr. D is one of the head physicians...btw, I do consider this very lucky!

I met with Dr. D on the 21st of last month, for my initial consultation.  Call me pretentious, but I let him know that my dad is, in fact, a Fertility Specialist.  After being overlooked by a former doctor, I had to set up a good defense this time around.  He caught my drift.

Remember when I said that Steven needed to be there with me?  Here's why...

In ALL of the facts/possibilities/probabilities/explanations discussed about my endometriosis/possible PCOS/one tube, he said that research shows.......

I have a 10% chance of getting pregnant on my own . . . WITHOUT IVF

Depressing...majorly depressing.  I have had a hard time reconciling this bit of information.  Had I known, I wish that Steven was there to hear everything else after that.  I zoned out.

The next day, still sulking, I texted my dad.  Which in retrospect, may have been a form of undermining him.  I told him that there was no point in getting the HSG test, when I'm just going to have to get IVF anyways.  I can be really whiny.  His reply,

"Stop being, stupid!" "I told you that you have a 65% chance without IVF and if it has to happen that way, then you'll have IVF." 

Not what I wanted to hear, but I probably deserved it.  Mind you, the man (my dad) never gets impatient!   I should give him more credit: he knows my surgery, he has seen my films, he knows his stuff.

But like I told my Mom, "Is he just being optimistic because I'm his daughter?" 

I guess time and testing will tell.   

Emails On A Friday Afternoon.

Since we both work for the school district, it's easy for me and Steven to email back and forth!  Here is our conversation this Friday afternoon...

Me:  I'm having terrible anxiety today...help me think of good things...what are we doing tonight?

Steven:   Uhmmm...I need new shoes. Shopping tonight for Hawaii?

Me: Sure! For you!

Steven: Both

Me:   haha....I dont need anything! honestly! Just a vacation.......with YOU!!!! Love you!

Me:  Outlets?

Steven:  Sure...did that calm your anxiety?

This boy knows me too well!

As I got off of work and gave him a quick call, he proceeded to tell me that he is a genius.  His plan is to let every stressed out woman go and shop, with the assumption that they will automatically feel better.  No therapy, just shopping and everyone will be cured.  And everyone will believe that he just made a breakthrough in human psychology!

I said, "Steven, no!"  "This is known as negative coping!"

This might actually work for me! Oops!

So.....We went out for dinner and shopping!

Dinner at Dickey's BBQ Pit - Pretty Tasty!

Steven scored at the outlets - I may have snuck one thing in!

                                                                

**I am beginning to LOVE outlet shopping in all it's good deals and glory!

Who Is In Control?

You know that you've been to the doctor's office one too many times, when you have an in-depth dream about being in the office's waiting room forever.  When you do get into the exam room, you get poked and prodded over and over again. . .  

I feel like this is my life right now.  Not mine.  It has been committed to the medical field for poking, prodding, testing, evaluating.  No fun.

Did I mention that I went to the Dr's office again?  This is the third time in a week and a half.  Today was my physical exam...don't we know that I am an overall healthy person?  I just happen to have a 'lemon' for internal female organs.

While sitting in the waiting room today (for real- not my dream),  a girl who was obviously there for the same reasons as myself...says to me, "Cute shoes!"  I said, "Thanks, Target!" just like that.  She then says to me, "Oh, I LOVE Target!"  So not a big deal for a conversation, but the friendliness just caught me off guard.  Have I joined some type of sorority? A sisterhood of infertiles?!  NEVER have I had a friendly conversation with a fellow patient, whilst in the waiting room.  So strange, but at the same time kind of nice. . .especially in this town!  I told my mom about this.  She told me that there are support groups for this, and that my dad sends his patients all the time.  I don't know if I'll go that far...I'll wait for my final prognosis.

**I should mention that I look like the youngest person there...depressing!

Everything checked out normal...just as I suspected.  I'm scheduled to go back in for another ultrasound on Monday.  Dr. D is putting me on a drug called Aygestin to help induce my cycle, which might just put a damper on our upcoming vacation.  Feeling crappy is not my idea of a good time!

On an excited note, we are leaving for Maui two weeks from today! 

We decided that this is one of the ways we are treating ourselves for a rough year.  Our good friends, Megan and Rishawn are joining us! They're celebrating their five year anniversary and his graduation from his apprenticeship.  We are all looking forward to some relaxation, good company, delicious food, sun, sand, and the ocean!

Don't Get Me Wrong. . .

I would be lying if I said, that I have been positive on this whole journey.  Trials have their way of strengthening your character, but also breaking you down.  Let me illustrate:

1.  I am not the most pleasant person to be around.  I find myself to be hugely sarcastic and highly cynical these days.  I'm impatient with people, when most of the time; I am pretty tolerant.

2.  A lot of the time I take my frustrations out on my husband.  So very bad, I know.  I need to remember that it is just as much of his issue as it is mine.  

3.  Sometimes, I say that it is my issue and not ours, because we know that the problem lies with me.

4.  I reacted TERRIBLY when my brother and sister-in-law announced that they were pregnant, back in March.  I will share that story another time. . . although, I don't really want to because your perception of me might change! Eeek!

5.  I have shut Steven's family out from what has been going on.  I'm not saying that I will forever...I just feel like because they are so happy about example #3 (happens to be the first grandchild), and if they were to know about all the details--then (I kind of think it's already there) there'd be a huge elephant in the room, named "Pity".  However, I feel resentful due to the things that are said, because they think that everything is alright.  I have put myself in a bind with this one, since they all live in town and we see them often.

6.  I'm obsessive about my weight.  I don't have an eating disorder - I eat.  However, I find myself constantly worrying about how much I'm eating.  I'm more conscientious about my intake - which is good, but at the same time I could relax a bit.  I know it's because I feel like it's the only thing I can control about my body right now.

7.  As the process continues, I kind of feel like the news I get is worse and worse.  I'm optimistic, but I feel like I was more positive the days following my surgery than I am today.
   

8.  I've seen a counselor.  There is nothing wrong with getting counseling, in fact it's probably the healthiest thing to do, but I have had moments where I am so in my head; that I have needed that unbiased person to help me sort out those thoughts.

I promise that there are good things, too!  I just don't want to pretend like I have this trial and that I'm taking it better than the next person would.

Plan of Action and A Little Saturday Productivity!

Steven and I woke up super early this morning to do our Initial Female/Male Labs at the FCLV.  We had to fast...yuck.  Last night I was so nervous for today, that I didn't even think about eating; but by this morning my stomach was grumbling, I was so hungry!  This was our first step since Monday's consultation with Dr. Daneshmand.

Initial Work-Up is as follows:

Initial Female Labs - check!

Physical Exam - Scheduled for 5/31

Vaginal Cultures - TBD

Initial Male Labs - he was a trooper...check!

Nutritional Consultation - I think I'm okay on this one.  $100 not covered, no thanks!

Cycle Day 3 Labs - haven't gotten there yet. TBD

GYN Ultrasound - Really? Another One? TBD

Sonohysterogram - sounds a lot like my HSG test.  No fun.  TBD

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) - check!

Follow-Up Consultation - TBD when all of the rest is said and done.  REALLY nervous for this one.  Note to self and all others....Bring Steven (in your case, your husband) with.  Initial Consultation was a lot to take in alone!

Initial labs went pretty well, all in all.  Steven was a champ, where I was quite squeamish.  The lab tech kept asking me if I was alright.  I can't stand to see my blood filling in small vials...especially on an empty stomach.  She told me that usually, it's the other way around.  The husband usually has issues with having his blood drawn and the wife is just fine.  I guess I better get used to it!

We treated ourselves to breakfast at The Cracked Egg.  Delicious....Steven had the most savory omelet!

Star Nursery is heavenly!

After breakfast, we headed over to our local nursery and snagged some sod.  When I say "snagged", I mean "snagged".  Apparently, it's hard to find grass in this town and everyone had already pre-ordered theirs.  After 10am, it's free game!

With our backyard (more like patio) under construction, it was fun to be at the nursery and dream up ideas for our small yard.  Gardening/Home design has become a sort of hobby for us.

So, we FINALLY have grass, thanks to my huz and father-in-law! It's pretty exciting to have REAL grass here in this town!

Hopefully soon, this will not look so patchwork quilt-like!

Reflections After Surgery

I wrote a brief post, back in January, on our little lifestyle blog to let friends and family know that I had just been through surgery.  Remember, I told you that I was pretty vague about what type of surgery it entailed?  I thought I would share my thoughts just right after surgery:  

 I'm back in Vegas after a quick 4 1/2 day visit back to Rockford, Il where I had surgery. . .yes surgery. Not a fun reason to go back to see your family, but was good nonetheless! I won't bore you all with the details, but if you are interested in whether it was life-threatening. . . it was not. . .but had to be done. Let's just say that, ironically, I was a patient in my Dad's field of medicine.

My Dad felt that I would get the best answers, method of surgery, before/during/after (mom and huz) care, and least amount of recovery time if I made the trip back to the good ol' midwest. So I did, and I am now on the mend!

Some things that I learned/were confirmed to me from all of this:

1. Rockford, IL has GREAT physicians - I may be a bit biased but it's true. In fact, I'm quite discouraged with the doctors here in town and am on the hunt for a new one. I am open to suggestions, as I have only lived here for a little over a year. Dr. Lenox was thorough and overall brilliant. I will forever be grateful to him. I think he and my Dad have a good plan in place proceeding this surgery.

2. I have the best family and friends - My close friends and family have been very supportive of me during all of this. It was so nice to receive the texts, calls, posts, tlc, and gifts. It's always good to have a good support group when you are going through the down times.

3. I love being around my family - No matter how old you are, you will always be your parents' little girl. At the ripe age of 28, I think this still holds true. My family is so fun to be around. . .I love them more than anything in this world and am glad that my husband fits in so well! I can't wait to be an aunt in the next few months! It's always hard to leave my family, but I look forward to seeing them on many occasions in the next year :)

4. I have the BEST husband - I know. . gag me on a blog post about how wonderful my husband is, but he really is the best! There is nothing better than waking up from surgery and being surrounded by your husband and parents with big smiles on their faces as if you've just conquered something big. My husband didn't have to be there, but he was and he took great care of me after. He is always so supportive and takes great concern over things that are important to me. He also might be the cutest nurse out there ;)

5. Pain Killers are overrated - I will admit that I was excited to be in "La La" Land for a few days post surgery but was hugely disappointed. You still feel the pain while on them, they make you drowsy in a weird way, and have horrible side effects - ie. constant itching all over for no reason at all. (Sorry Mr. on the plane-who probably thought I had some freaky disease)

6. I have the BEST Dad - He is pretty brilliant and I am grateful that I have access to his wisdom so closely. Right before the surgery he gave me a blessing that all would be well. A dad that can give physical aid as well as spiritual aid. . .How lucky does one get?! I truly feel like from here on out, everything will be okay and that I will get to have children of my own.

It Dawned On Me...

A certain thought recently came to mind. . . Actually, a lot of thoughts have been going through my mind for quite some time.  It dawned on me that I should probably journal about what I have been feeling and what I have been experiencing.  Something that I could show my future children...to let them know that they were VERY MUCH wanted; to someday remind myself that they were VERY MUCH wanted. . .when I felt like I was reliving my mom's stressful mothering moments with us.  I suppose this is the result!

Our Engagement Photo - 2005

Steven and I were married on November 19, 2005 in the Mount Timpanogos LDS Temple.  We are LDS or more commonly known as Mormon.  "Don't Mormons have a million kids?", you ask.  Maybe it's our sense of not wanting to fall under stereotypes; but we were young (barely 22 and almost 22) and so we made the conscious decision to finish school (are you really ever done?!), have fun, save money, and WAIT to have kids.

Wedding Day - November 19, 2005

The August before our five-year mark was when we decided that if it happened, it happened.  Fast forward to February of the following year and still, nothing.  I always had this feeling that it wouldn't be easy for us...me....more like it.  I had never had regular cycles and so with my prior knowledge and fears (due to my knowledge), I felt like it would not be an easy task.  I made an appointment with an OB/GYN here in town to discuss my options.  My doctor determined that I probably had ovulation issues and put me on 6 months of Clomid, with no prior testing or monitoring.  Bad news.  I should have seen the red flag, when my dad told me that doctors should never just hand out a prescription without any prior testing.

**The bad thing about having a father as a physician is that you tend to not take their word too seriously. You either feel like they are just brushing it off or are being way too dramatic over your symptoms.  Either way, you as the afflicted, are usually wrong!**

Fast forward to December 2011.  After six months of Clomid and nothing but discouragement and pains on my left ovarian side, I called my dad a little worried.  He told me to get into my OB/GYN as soon as possible.  I got in right away and my doctor felt around my abdomen and noticed that it was enlarged.  He determined that I probably had uterine fibroids and ordered a pelvic ultrasound.  That time in between my doctor's appointment and the results of my ultrasound felt like forever!  The results came back and revealed that I had a 10cm (about the size of a softball - yikes!) cyst somewhere between my ovaries.

My dad warned me of 2 things:

1.  This will not go away on it's own and needs to be surgically removed, very soon.

2.  If the doctor mentions anything other than laparoscopic surgery, you are coming home (Illinois) for the surgery.

Well, sure enough, the doctor mentioned that it could (yeah, right) go away on it's own and that the only method would be to cut me open, much like a c-section, and remove the cyst.  Recovery time would be anywhere from around 4-6 weeks.

No, thank you.  I flew home the following week. . . 

I went in for surgery on January 26, 2012 and came out with one less endometrioma, one less fallopian tube on my left side, and a prescription for 6 months of Lupron Depot (the Devil's drug...not really, but kind of - I have since, quit this drug).  It shocked me that this could be a possibility, but apparently the tube was 4 times it's normal size.  My surgical photos make it look like a bowel intestine and not a thin-like tube like the right side.

My surgery also revealed that I have Stage 3 Endometriosis and possible Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  That explained all those years of horrid cramps during my period!

The doctor who put me on Clomid, and then wrote my situation off as unimportant? I got rid of him.

I found a new doctor, who I love. . . Dr. Keith Brill knows his stuff, is attentive, and sent me in for further testing.  A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test performed in April, confirmed that my other tube was patent (clear) and I finally felt like I had achieved a small victory!   

That's how we got where we are today.  Tomorrow we go in to The Fertility Center of Las Vegas to get our blood drawn for, yet again, more testing.

What's In A Name?

We are Steven and Stephanie.  We basically share the same name; they mean the same.  We've been married since November 19, 2005 and have enjoyed the time that we have had growing up and growing together.  We made the decision to postpone having children until were a little bit settled in our lives and when we felt the time was right.  I guess you could consider us somewhat of 'control freaks'! Unfortunately, my husband and I, like many other couples, learned that we struggle with infertility so my mind has been clouded with "What Ifs?", "Whens?" and "Really, Why Us?".

Am I shocked that this is even a possibility?  No.  I have been around this field of work/couples who deal with these issues for as long as I can remember.  Ironically, my dad happens to be a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Fertility Specialist) and if you want, you can look him up.  Dr. John P. Holden, M.D....he runs his own practice; Advanced Reproductive Center in Rockford, IL.  I may be biased, but he is brilliant at what he does and has brought much happiness to couples, who are looking for that "missing piece".  Okay, this post isn't about my dad...it's just to make a point that I am very aware and find our situation to be one of life's many ironies.

Steven and Myself - March 2012

 A thought came to my mind recently, "Share your grief, sorrow, anxiety, and confusion about your journey."  "If it doesn't help others who are going through the same thing, it can at least help you."

I post regularly on a blog about our daily lives, but I have kept posts about our struggle quite mum.  Am I embarrassed about not being able to conceive?  Heck no!  Saddened?  Yes.  In many ways I look at it as our trial that we get to go through together.  It is very much a part of me that is helping me grow and gain wisdom and strength.  That should never be an embarrassment.  I have just decided that our 'lifestyle blog' was not going to turn into our 'fertility battle' blog.  Maybe someday the two will meet, but until then I would like for this to remain a positive tool for those struggling with infertility.

And so, 'My Rosy Reverie' is born (no pun intended).  The road has been long and exhausting, and I feel as if it might continue to be something we have to endure; but I'm feeling quite optimistic!