First Week Back Recap

1.  I survived my first week back to school! I came home exhausted everyday, but I managed, nonetheless!

2.  I have really good friends. . . like really good.  Some family, too . . . you know who you are!  I am grateful for them checking in on me, their sensitivities, and leaving me words of encouragement.  It's been overwhelmingly kind!

3.  We have decided to do IVF back in IL under my dad's practice.  We are fortunate to be able to get it at cost.  It will still set us back a bit, but will sure beat the 13k price tag here!  With some money saved and time off to be monitored, we'll start at the beginning of next summer. 

4.  My parents leave for France, one week from today, and I'm uber jealous!  It's my Papi's 80th birthday.  Oh, how I miss them! I'm thinking that I will repost my France entries from our trip last year . . . for old time's sake.  

My Grandparents' property - St. Die, France - April 2011 

On my Bring-Back-From-France wish-list:

*Chocolate (LOTS of it!)

*Carambar aux fruits

*Timotei shampoo (for Steven)

*Le Petit Marseillais body wash for me . . .suggestions?

*Anything else that would be cute in my home - that is soooo Francais!

Punched In The Gut

I'm going to type this while the feelings are still raw. . . 

Remember when I told you that the hardest times with our fertility ordeal occur when people say things not knowing that they are hurting you, but are hurting you; the type of hurt that hits you to the core?  It's really not their fault...it's not like you're wearing a badge that says "Hi, I'm Stephanie and I'm infertile".

Here's the story:

We went out to eat for my sister-in-law's birthday.  Remember the one who is pregnant that I had a huge freak out over?  I know, I still owe you that story.  She's pregnant and while I am happy for her now, it is still hard in itself.

So, while were were enjoying her birthday celebration at Grimaldi's (delicious by the way!) a bunch of ladies from my mother-in-law's ward came over to our table and started oohing and ahhing over the fact that my sister-in-law is having a girl (yay! good for them, seriously)...honestly, hard for me to be around though.

Then...Here it is!!!

One of the ladies, car seat in tow (does that really surprise you? They're Mormon) - who knows my husband; bless her heart...she doesn't know our situation at all, says,  "So, wait?" "Are you guys expecting too?"  "Your mom got up in sacrament and expressed how grateful she is for two grandbabies on the way"  Punch me in the gut at this point.  Steven said, and I can tell that he felt like this was the worst thing that anyone could say right now, due to my feeble state;

"No, that's not us."

*His mom's husband's son and daughter-in-law are expecting; that's who she was talking about.

I had to get up and excuse myself.  I locked myself in the bathroom for a breather.  It's hard, those are the times where I feel like I have been kicked down.

I came back out, but just felt so out of it.  To be honest, I don't really know how the rest of the evening went.

As we were leaving, though, Steven told me that I handled it well.  I don't know if I did or not.  It's hard to tell.

I called my dad, to ask him about a B12 deficiency...but then I just spilled the whole story of what had just happened.  He gave me some good advice....

"Children who are hard to come by, are usually the most well-adjusted and are so much more appreciated by their parents."  "It's true Stephanie, I know this."

And I believe him.  It doesn't mean that my friends and family who have them so easily, are not good parents.  Please!  I have so many good examples of family and friends who ADORE their children!  It is manifested all over Facebook (and I mean this as a good thing; I truly love seeing it!)

It could be something that Steven and I have to go through so that we are crazy in love with what we have! Tantrums, sleep deprivation, and all!

Hurting and still waiting...

My Main Man!

Okay, obviously it's Steven, but this guy is probably my #1 right now. . .due to the fact that I see him 2+ times a week.

Meet...

Dr. Daneshmand
aka Dr. D


he's pretty endearing!

Months ago, even before I knew that our fertility struggle would go this far, I talked to a co-worker who had her little girl through IVF.  We talked a lot (and continue to talk A LOT) and she suggested that if I ever had issues, to go and see Dr. D.  Well, lucky for me, my insurance covers fertility testing through FCLV where Dr. D is one of the head physicians...btw, I do consider this very lucky!

I met with Dr. D on the 21st of last month, for my initial consultation.  Call me pretentious, but I let him know that my dad is, in fact, a Fertility Specialist.  After being overlooked by a former doctor, I had to set up a good defense this time around.  He caught my drift.

Remember when I said that Steven needed to be there with me?  Here's why...

In ALL of the facts/possibilities/probabilities/explanations discussed about my endometriosis/possible PCOS/one tube, he said that research shows.......

I have a 10% chance of getting pregnant on my own . . . WITHOUT IVF

Depressing...majorly depressing.  I have had a hard time reconciling this bit of information.  Had I known, I wish that Steven was there to hear everything else after that.  I zoned out.

The next day, still sulking, I texted my dad.  Which in retrospect, may have been a form of undermining him.  I told him that there was no point in getting the HSG test, when I'm just going to have to get IVF anyways.  I can be really whiny.  His reply,

"Stop being, stupid!" "I told you that you have a 65% chance without IVF and if it has to happen that way, then you'll have IVF." 

Not what I wanted to hear, but I probably deserved it.  Mind you, the man (my dad) never gets impatient!   I should give him more credit: he knows my surgery, he has seen my films, he knows his stuff.

But like I told my Mom, "Is he just being optimistic because I'm his daughter?" 

I guess time and testing will tell.   

Reflections After Surgery

I wrote a brief post, back in January, on our little lifestyle blog to let friends and family know that I had just been through surgery.  Remember, I told you that I was pretty vague about what type of surgery it entailed?  I thought I would share my thoughts just right after surgery:  

 I'm back in Vegas after a quick 4 1/2 day visit back to Rockford, Il where I had surgery. . .yes surgery. Not a fun reason to go back to see your family, but was good nonetheless! I won't bore you all with the details, but if you are interested in whether it was life-threatening. . . it was not. . .but had to be done. Let's just say that, ironically, I was a patient in my Dad's field of medicine.

My Dad felt that I would get the best answers, method of surgery, before/during/after (mom and huz) care, and least amount of recovery time if I made the trip back to the good ol' midwest. So I did, and I am now on the mend!

Some things that I learned/were confirmed to me from all of this:

1. Rockford, IL has GREAT physicians - I may be a bit biased but it's true. In fact, I'm quite discouraged with the doctors here in town and am on the hunt for a new one. I am open to suggestions, as I have only lived here for a little over a year. Dr. Lenox was thorough and overall brilliant. I will forever be grateful to him. I think he and my Dad have a good plan in place proceeding this surgery.

2. I have the best family and friends - My close friends and family have been very supportive of me during all of this. It was so nice to receive the texts, calls, posts, tlc, and gifts. It's always good to have a good support group when you are going through the down times.

3. I love being around my family - No matter how old you are, you will always be your parents' little girl. At the ripe age of 28, I think this still holds true. My family is so fun to be around. . .I love them more than anything in this world and am glad that my husband fits in so well! I can't wait to be an aunt in the next few months! It's always hard to leave my family, but I look forward to seeing them on many occasions in the next year :)

4. I have the BEST husband - I know. . gag me on a blog post about how wonderful my husband is, but he really is the best! There is nothing better than waking up from surgery and being surrounded by your husband and parents with big smiles on their faces as if you've just conquered something big. My husband didn't have to be there, but he was and he took great care of me after. He is always so supportive and takes great concern over things that are important to me. He also might be the cutest nurse out there ;)

5. Pain Killers are overrated - I will admit that I was excited to be in "La La" Land for a few days post surgery but was hugely disappointed. You still feel the pain while on them, they make you drowsy in a weird way, and have horrible side effects - ie. constant itching all over for no reason at all. (Sorry Mr. on the plane-who probably thought I had some freaky disease)

6. I have the BEST Dad - He is pretty brilliant and I am grateful that I have access to his wisdom so closely. Right before the surgery he gave me a blessing that all would be well. A dad that can give physical aid as well as spiritual aid. . .How lucky does one get?! I truly feel like from here on out, everything will be okay and that I will get to have children of my own.