'Miracle May'?

Photo from my cousin Jenn's wedding this past weekend, here in Vegas of all places (she lives in Idaho)! 

A couple things about this photo:

1.  This is my aunt Mary - she is my goddaughter's grandma (yes, grandma!) and she's b e a u t i f u l both inside and out.  I loved having her here from Minnesota for the weekend's festivities.

2.  Now I realize that I look stupidly happy, but I am!  I think this kind of reflects how I've been feeling.  Stupidly happy.

I promised that I would give an update on the baby-making plans.  Here it goes: 

- I've been on the pill for the past 10 months in order to keep my endometriosis from spreading like wildfire, however, making pregnancy impossible.  I kind of explained it all here.

- It has been the plan all year to go back this summer, to the land where the soil is fertile and pray that it rubs off on me . . . aka use my dad's resources in Illinois and do in vitro fertilization at cost.

- I left one final test for completion - close to the time where we leave (a little over a month away).  The sonohysterogram is done in order to detect whether or not there are any abnormal growths on the uterus.  Boring stuff, but it'd be nice to have things good to go for June.

And so, the sonohysterogram was scheduled for today.  I said "was" because I was supposed to get it, however, due to 'active bleeding' (tmi - I'm sorry but it only makes sense to give such details) I'm getting off the pill to get my cycle under control and then proceed with a sonohysterogram that is not at risk of any false positives.  Do I still have you or have I lost you yet?!

No birth control = 1 in 1,000 chance that I can get pregnant this next month - according to Dr. D

Pretty sad odds, but I am praying for a miracle.  'Miracle May', perhaps?  Otherwise, I'll remain, stupidly happy.

First Week Back Recap

1.  I survived my first week back to school! I came home exhausted everyday, but I managed, nonetheless!

2.  I have really good friends. . . like really good.  Some family, too . . . you know who you are!  I am grateful for them checking in on me, their sensitivities, and leaving me words of encouragement.  It's been overwhelmingly kind!

3.  We have decided to do IVF back in IL under my dad's practice.  We are fortunate to be able to get it at cost.  It will still set us back a bit, but will sure beat the 13k price tag here!  With some money saved and time off to be monitored, we'll start at the beginning of next summer. 

4.  My parents leave for France, one week from today, and I'm uber jealous!  It's my Papi's 80th birthday.  Oh, how I miss them! I'm thinking that I will repost my France entries from our trip last year . . . for old time's sake.  

My Grandparents' property - St. Die, France - April 2011 

On my Bring-Back-From-France wish-list:

*Chocolate (LOTS of it!)

*Carambar aux fruits

*Timotei shampoo (for Steven)

*Le Petit Marseillais body wash for me . . .suggestions?

*Anything else that would be cute in my home - that is soooo Francais!

Results Are In. . .

After about three hours at the doctor's office on Thursday, we made a game plan. 

Initially, we thought that we would go the IUI route, because we were under the impression that our insurance covered 6 rounds of the procedure.  They do in fact cover the actual procedure; but do not cover the meds, monitoring, etc . . . which would cost us over 3k per cycle.  Ahhh, never underestimate the fine print!

So at 3k per cycle - with very little probability (due to my condition), we are going the IVF route.  In a way, we had to pick how we are going to gamble!  3k a pop (with a low probabilty) for several rounds VS. the cost of IVF (with a higher probability) for up to a year's worth of embryo transfers.  We'll pick the latter.

**I learned something new.  With IVF, you create a batch of good embryos and then freeze them.  Each time you attempt implantation, is called a "transfer".  I was always under the impression that each transfer was around 10k, and maybe it is in some places . . . I don't know, but at FCLV we get unlimited transfers for a year or until it results in a pregnancy with a live birth (within the year).

So, there you go.  If we want a family, this is our route.

My (Honest) Feelings. . . 

- I am thankful for modern medicine.  We at least have an option to have a family, whereas, we probably would not have had one a few decades ago.
(I'm not dismissing adoption as being a family unit.  I'm strictly referring to having a biological family)

- Even though my dad is an REI of a physician, I feel like I personally only know of 5 others (maybe!), who are in our age group and have had to do IVF.  It's kind of isolating (I've used this word a lot - but it fits the circumstances).

- There are some feelings of, "Why do we have to pay to have a family, when others do not?"  Don't get me started on the people who are irresponsible.  It doesn't seem fair; but then again, life isn't fair for anyone. . .

- There is a level of guilt attached with the fact that, I am the factor.  I need to remind myself that we are in it together.  Steven has been nothing but supportive.  The guy deserves more credit than I give him.  I am beyond grateful for him!

-Okay. . . this part is funny!  Steven has this issue with how children are created/conceived.  He never wanted to tell anyone that we were trying because he didn't want for people to know what that entailed.   Well, it kind of all came out when we were trying forever and nothing . . . and then my surgery, etc.  So, at least our kids will be conceived in a lab . . . bam! Sterile, purely scientific.  Perfect for my science-teacher-of-a-husband! Ha!

**Disclosure - These may offend some of you, or you may perceive me as ungrateful.  These are my honest feelings about the matter and this being my personal blog; I am posting my thoughts.**

After some budgeting and saving, we'll start in a few months!

Back On Track...

It's official.  We are back on the fertility treatment bandwagon.  We have our IUI consultation tomorrow at 3pm.  Steven is coming with me. . .  thank goodness!  Husband should be included in this for sure!  I'm not looking forward to this because I can guarantee that Dr. D will say something along the lines of "this is probably not your best option, don't expect anything to come of this".  Oh well, we do what we can, right?  It's the first steps.  It's what my insurance is willing to pay for.  I'm not the most optimistic person. . .only because if something good comes of something that I have low expectations for and it comes out as a success in the end, then I'm pleasantly surprised!  That was totally and completely confusing but does anyone else feel this way?

In all honesty, it was nice to take a break from being poked and prodded over the last month, but I guess it's back to reality.  Too many different doctors/techs have been all up in 'you know where'.  If we want to have a family, then this is our only option.  I won't lie there are feelings of isolation (majorly - from mine and Steven's families), discouragement, and "why us/me's?"  I jokingly told Steven that I'm thinking about becoming a crack whore. . .they don't seem to be having any fertility issues (no offense, but am I right?!)

I'll let you all know how tomorrow really goes. . . . in the meantime, enjoy my favorite songs of the summer!

Yay for Imagine Dragons being a local band!!  Love, love, love me some good Indie!

Both songs make me feel like, "Hey, I'm me and that's the way I am. . .so I'll deal with it!"

Weed Killer

I'm back on this stuff . . .

In my case, known as, "weed killer".

I am (finally!) at the tail end of my diagnostic testing.  Day 3 of my cycle fell on Monday, so I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  I still hate both!  

I've kind of grown accustomed to what goes on during these ultrasounds (there have been at least five since January) so I know what they are looking for.  I heard my doctor read all of the measurements and then all of a sudden, I hear, "2.5 cm cyst".  

What?!

So, I blurted out, "I have another cyst?!"

He told me that I do, indeed, have another (more than likely) Endometrioma growing on the same ovary.  In other words, Endometriosis, is very much like a bunch of 'weeds' growing throughout my female reproductive organs.

He said that he would not put me through surgery, but that we would keep it contained with the pill.  Apparently, having your period, is really bad for Endometriosis.

He also said that surgery would be bad, because the Endometriosis is attacking my eggs.  At my age, I'm supposed to show 8-12 mature eggs on each ovary; I'm showing 6 on both sides.

I see a hysterectomy in my near-ish (ten years maybe?) future.

Good news is...

My FSH levels came back normal, so they (the eggs) are at least good!

*Another small victory!*

So. . . I'm taking the pill for the next month, because we are leaving for Illinois on Thursday (Yay. . .for a whole month with my family!)  Then, we'll try up to four rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  It may be a waste of time, but my insurance covers up to six rounds of the procedure.  If those don't work, we'll move on to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

It's kind of a relief, to have a time frame of what's going to happen.  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than I have been.  I am, by no means happy, that this is the path we have to take . . . it'd be much more exciting if it happened like it does for the majority of the population.  However, if there is an option, we'll take it.   

My doctor's last words on the phone today, were, "We'll get you pregnant soon."

Let's hope!

Steven said to me today, "That's crazy that you could be pregnant by the end of the year!"

He's been pretty cute through all of this. . . definitely one of my biggest fans!

I picked up this cute little trio today at Target while waiting for my prescription to be filled.  Maybe I should reconsider Target as my pharmacy.  

Aren't they darling?!

Souvenirs From Maui

I'm really slacking on posting photos from our vacation.  I'm trying to touch up a bunch of them before they are all uploaded for my free Shutterfly book.  I love it when I get those coupons - it happened to come at the perfect time!

Readjusting, has also thrown me into a kind of a funk. 

 I remember back in 2005, calling my mom after she had just gotten home from a month-long stay in France; and she seemed like she wanted nothing to do with any of us or just life, in general.  At the time, I was kind of hurt because Steven and I were seriously dating and I was hinting towards my parents meeting him.  I sent her a text on Wednesday morning, letting her know how I completely understood her frustration with coming back to real life...especially when it's crappy (she was under a lot of stress at the time).

Wednesday afternoon, I didn't want to think about my next doctor's appointment or dropping a large chunk of change on four new tires.  Who knew that tires were so expensive?! Yikes!  Reality slaps you in the face. . . quickly.    

That's life and I know it. . . we could have it a lot worse.  It just makes me realize how grateful I am for good vacations!

A few of my favorite things that we brought back from our trip. . .

Steven's new wedding ring!  We renewed our vows. . .kidding. . .but we kind of renewed our spirits.  It's Titanium (good for him - he hates the weight of jewelry) and koa wood.  I think it fits him!

All of this goodness - minus the pineapple. . . we're having that beauty tonight.  Hopefully, it lives up to the Maui Golds!

My Main Man!

Okay, obviously it's Steven, but this guy is probably my #1 right now. . .due to the fact that I see him 2+ times a week.

Meet...

Dr. Daneshmand
aka Dr. D


he's pretty endearing!

Months ago, even before I knew that our fertility struggle would go this far, I talked to a co-worker who had her little girl through IVF.  We talked a lot (and continue to talk A LOT) and she suggested that if I ever had issues, to go and see Dr. D.  Well, lucky for me, my insurance covers fertility testing through FCLV where Dr. D is one of the head physicians...btw, I do consider this very lucky!

I met with Dr. D on the 21st of last month, for my initial consultation.  Call me pretentious, but I let him know that my dad is, in fact, a Fertility Specialist.  After being overlooked by a former doctor, I had to set up a good defense this time around.  He caught my drift.

Remember when I said that Steven needed to be there with me?  Here's why...

In ALL of the facts/possibilities/probabilities/explanations discussed about my endometriosis/possible PCOS/one tube, he said that research shows.......

I have a 10% chance of getting pregnant on my own . . . WITHOUT IVF

Depressing...majorly depressing.  I have had a hard time reconciling this bit of information.  Had I known, I wish that Steven was there to hear everything else after that.  I zoned out.

The next day, still sulking, I texted my dad.  Which in retrospect, may have been a form of undermining him.  I told him that there was no point in getting the HSG test, when I'm just going to have to get IVF anyways.  I can be really whiny.  His reply,

"Stop being, stupid!" "I told you that you have a 65% chance without IVF and if it has to happen that way, then you'll have IVF." 

Not what I wanted to hear, but I probably deserved it.  Mind you, the man (my dad) never gets impatient!   I should give him more credit: he knows my surgery, he has seen my films, he knows his stuff.

But like I told my Mom, "Is he just being optimistic because I'm his daughter?" 

I guess time and testing will tell.   

Who Is In Control?

You know that you've been to the doctor's office one too many times, when you have an in-depth dream about being in the office's waiting room forever.  When you do get into the exam room, you get poked and prodded over and over again. . .  

I feel like this is my life right now.  Not mine.  It has been committed to the medical field for poking, prodding, testing, evaluating.  No fun.

Did I mention that I went to the Dr's office again?  This is the third time in a week and a half.  Today was my physical exam...don't we know that I am an overall healthy person?  I just happen to have a 'lemon' for internal female organs.

While sitting in the waiting room today (for real- not my dream),  a girl who was obviously there for the same reasons as myself...says to me, "Cute shoes!"  I said, "Thanks, Target!" just like that.  She then says to me, "Oh, I LOVE Target!"  So not a big deal for a conversation, but the friendliness just caught me off guard.  Have I joined some type of sorority? A sisterhood of infertiles?!  NEVER have I had a friendly conversation with a fellow patient, whilst in the waiting room.  So strange, but at the same time kind of nice. . .especially in this town!  I told my mom about this.  She told me that there are support groups for this, and that my dad sends his patients all the time.  I don't know if I'll go that far...I'll wait for my final prognosis.

**I should mention that I look like the youngest person there...depressing!

Everything checked out normal...just as I suspected.  I'm scheduled to go back in for another ultrasound on Monday.  Dr. D is putting me on a drug called Aygestin to help induce my cycle, which might just put a damper on our upcoming vacation.  Feeling crappy is not my idea of a good time!

On an excited note, we are leaving for Maui two weeks from today! 

We decided that this is one of the ways we are treating ourselves for a rough year.  Our good friends, Megan and Rishawn are joining us! They're celebrating their five year anniversary and his graduation from his apprenticeship.  We are all looking forward to some relaxation, good company, delicious food, sun, sand, and the ocean!

Plan of Action and A Little Saturday Productivity!

Steven and I woke up super early this morning to do our Initial Female/Male Labs at the FCLV.  We had to fast...yuck.  Last night I was so nervous for today, that I didn't even think about eating; but by this morning my stomach was grumbling, I was so hungry!  This was our first step since Monday's consultation with Dr. Daneshmand.

Initial Work-Up is as follows:

Initial Female Labs - check!

Physical Exam - Scheduled for 5/31

Vaginal Cultures - TBD

Initial Male Labs - he was a trooper...check!

Nutritional Consultation - I think I'm okay on this one.  $100 not covered, no thanks!

Cycle Day 3 Labs - haven't gotten there yet. TBD

GYN Ultrasound - Really? Another One? TBD

Sonohysterogram - sounds a lot like my HSG test.  No fun.  TBD

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) - check!

Follow-Up Consultation - TBD when all of the rest is said and done.  REALLY nervous for this one.  Note to self and all others....Bring Steven (in your case, your husband) with.  Initial Consultation was a lot to take in alone!

Initial labs went pretty well, all in all.  Steven was a champ, where I was quite squeamish.  The lab tech kept asking me if I was alright.  I can't stand to see my blood filling in small vials...especially on an empty stomach.  She told me that usually, it's the other way around.  The husband usually has issues with having his blood drawn and the wife is just fine.  I guess I better get used to it!

We treated ourselves to breakfast at The Cracked Egg.  Delicious....Steven had the most savory omelet!

Star Nursery is heavenly!

After breakfast, we headed over to our local nursery and snagged some sod.  When I say "snagged", I mean "snagged".  Apparently, it's hard to find grass in this town and everyone had already pre-ordered theirs.  After 10am, it's free game!

With our backyard (more like patio) under construction, it was fun to be at the nursery and dream up ideas for our small yard.  Gardening/Home design has become a sort of hobby for us.

So, we FINALLY have grass, thanks to my huz and father-in-law! It's pretty exciting to have REAL grass here in this town!

Hopefully soon, this will not look so patchwork quilt-like!