On Being Godparents

I have been waiting for the right moment to post this and I finally feel like that time is now.  Last Wednesday, the day before her scheduled C-Section; I received a call from my dear cousin, Ange (she's the closest relative that I have to a younger sister).  I was all excited because it was the day before baby girl's big debut and I hadn't spoken to Ange in a while.  After a couple of minutes of catching up, she proceeded to tell me that she and her husband had discussed, and wanted to know if Steven and I would be willing to accept the role of their daughter's Godparents.  My heart stopped.  In a good way!  It was the biggest surprise and also the best!  I said, "But we're not Lutheran!  Is that okay?!" She confirmed that it was just fine; that it is a role of guiding her throughout her life, spiritually.  We accepted most graciously.

At a time where I feel like maybe there is a reason that we aren't able to have children of our own, my sweet cousin (heart of gold, no joke) and her dear husband asked us if we would be Godparents to their brand new baby girl.  She assured me that we are the best candidates.  My heart has been so full.  I can see that Steven feels the same way.  What a huge honor and blessing!  I have shed many tears of gratitude and have felt completely humbled at this opportunity.

As mentioned above, Ange has a heart of gold and with a husband with a very similar personality as my Steven, I feel so lucky that we have an extra reason to be in their lives.  We will do our very best to assure her of the love that we have for her, remind her of all that she has been blessed with, and to let her know that she is in fact; a daughter of God.  Welcome to the world, Tenley Marie.  You are perfection.

We Have a 5-Year Old

My dearest fury firstborn is five today.  I ask myself, "Where did the time go?!"  I know she's not your typical firstborn, but I do think that a lot of the same feelings of having any type of 5-year old would throw you into a frenzy.  5 year old child, 5 year old marriage, 5 year old ball of fur, 5 year old pair of shoes. . . You get the point.  It really makes one ponder the concept of time.  In all reality, it goes by WAY TOO FAST.

Dodson's Izzy Bear (according to her AKC registration papers)-

Thank you for being the sweetest pup known to mankind!  You truly have brought so much joy to our lives.  You may just be a canine friend, but you have taught us many things that parents of human children need to know.  Unconditional love (your willingness to snuggle is endless), patience (especially in the beginning! yikes!), the need for peace in our home (otherwise you run up the stairs and hide from all of the nonsense), and compassion (thank you for all of the times that you allowed me to cry in your coat).  You are a tiny glimpse of what it's like to be godlike.  We love you!

-Your Mom & Dad

PS-  This year we will celebrate with homemade treats (I actually have a dog bone cookie cutter) and homemade frosty paws.  I will try and do a lot more of this for you, Cherro Perro.  After all, you only have 3 more years. . . teases your dad.  Little does he know, you will be one of those rare cases that lives to be 17!

Recent Thoughts

I'm in the mood to write.  I wrote my brother.  I updated his blog.  I sent out some other emails.  I'm feeling introverted, but I'm feeling good.  I have had some reoccurring thoughts, mostly me trying to analyze things and where I stand, we stand, one stands, and I've come up with some conclusions. . .

1.  Marriage is hard to wrap your head around - Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way.  I've stopped and just stared at Steven and thought, "Oh my gosh, you committed your life around mine and I've committed mine around yours!"  We plan EVERYTHING around each other and we have been doing so for so many years.  It's a trip, but it's good . . . definitely good!  Probably better than it's ever been.  Seven years is for the birds.  If you asked me at five . . . it probably would have been different! Ha!

2.  Marriage shows your vulnerability - Remember the days when you and your spouse were dating?  You were always pretty, 100% optimistic, and had very few vices?  It has come to mind recently, that this person who I NEVER in a million years would have wanted to view me negatively; has seen me at my worst.  Physically ugly (bed head, sans makeup, winter-pale), emotionally ugly (we won't get into details),  my most embarrassing moments (won't get into those either!), times of weakness, etc. Yep.  Seen it all.  That is vulnerability my friends.

3. I love LOVE being a girl  - There is no doubt in my mind that I was born to be a girl.  More specifically, gender and gender role.  Call me simple-minded/submissive-wife(haha, yeah right)/embarrassment-to-women-fighting-for-feminist-movements . . . I just happen to think that I am secure in my role.  Cooking, cleaning (okay maybe not so much), decorating, crafting, making home and family enjoyable . . . that's me.  And I love it!  I think it was mostly my upbringing.  In fact, sometimes I think my parents depended on me for certain things over my brothers.  Could be because I was the oldest, but they always treated me like I was completely capable of anything.  Maybe I'm not  capable of getting preggers without some medical intervention, but I'm not thinking along those lines anymore. . .  Also, my Dad was an excellent example as to how to treat my mom as his equal.  They were and are a great example to me.  So yes, I enjoy being a girl and everything that comes with it.

4.  Where I work is pretty magical - I love working in a school, specifically in a school library.  There is something about being in an organized environment of growth and learning; one that includes books and tales of fascinating stories.  I love those sweet faces and comments.  Sure, I break up fights on the playground and I've been called things that I didn't know kids these days knew existed.  Overall, it's beautiful and innocent and happy.

5.  Cancer is horrible - I have heard so many stories about young people with cancer.  Breaks my heart.  It doesn't seem fair and doesn't seem like something that one should be fighting or having to worry about.  Especially, at a young age.  They are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

And to leave on a positive note . . .

6.  My niece is the most darling/chubby-cheeked/nugget/cherry blossom WALKING little human being.  9 months old and walking.  Some kids make it to 14 months without doing so. Impressive on her part.  I just wish that I didn't live so far away, which leaves me not being able to see her meet all of her little accomplishments.  I couldn't stop gazing at her over Christmas break and my mom told me that it's even more so with your own.  Note to Steven, when we have our own . . . some things may never get done!

Saying Our Goodbyes

This weekend was a whirlwind.  Saturday morning, I made the drive up to Utah (solo) to say my final "goodbyes" to my youngest brother, Christopher.  Kinda boring driving by yourself . . . but thanks to The Killers and Imagine Dragons on replay, my drive was rather pleasant.  

My weekend was full of friend visits (many of which I did not get to see but look forward to seeing again, soon!) and quality family time with my parents, brother, and family friends; the Ellsworths (basically family and always a good time).  We left behind some really really great people in Utah, so it's always a treat to go back and visit.

Christopher is my first brother to go on a mission, and so it was such a cool feeling being able to experience this weekend's festivities.  It's pretty surreal!  I love him and I know that he will do great things for the people of Norway.

  

Of course we had to take our token MTC farewell photos.  It's kind of a right of passage . . . wouldn't you say?

It's times like these, where I think about where I fit in my family and the role that I get to play.  I am so grateful to be the oldest and the only sister among three brothers.  I feel very protective of each of them and am grateful that I get to be there to support them in all that they do.  I am blessed and grateful for the relationships that I have with them. 

I love you, Christopher James!

Farewell Elder CJ Holden!

 Last fall, I had mentioned that my immediate Holden family had some very BIG news!  Most of you know via Facebook and Instagram that my youngest brother, Christopher, will be serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  He will be serving in the Oslo, Norway mission where he will be speaking Norwegian! So cool!

Back in October, when my parents were here for my Mom's birthday weekend, we were able to Skype with my brother as he opened his call.  Lots of tears of joy were shed because we have a long line of Norwegian ancestry.  As my dad put it, "You get to go back home!"

Now, I realize that I probably should have formally announced this awhile ago because it has been an exciting process the whole way through, but I wanted to post about it when the time was right.  Since I am about to embark on my journey (solo - wish me luck!), up to Utah for my final farewells before he enters the Provo MTC; I have so many mixed emotions - many of which are pure peace and joy.  I know he will do great things!

Christopher is the type of guy who - when he sets goals for himself, he achieves them . . . almost effortlessly.  He is kind, supportive, easy to be around.  He is one of the good ones.

At 22 years old (older than most departing missionaries), I am confident that he will be great!  He achieved his college degree and knows that this is the next step that he needs to take in order to become the kind of person that he wants to be.  As the oldest and his only sister, I am beyond proud.

Last night (back in Rockford), after my brother was set-apart as a missionary (he's official!), my family and some friends got together for a final send-off.  Christopher won't get to see our sweet little niece for two years. She will be so big by the time he gets back! And maybe, just maybe . . . . he will have a new niece or nephew to add to the clan!

I want him to have a keepsake of the photos, letters, and memories that he collects over the next two years . . . so I started a Smash Book for him!  I tried to go with the most masculine one there was to be found.  I love the idea of being able to collect all of your little treasures along the way, and figured that this was the best way to go about it.

If you'd like to read weekly updates from Elder Holden's mission, he and I have started a blog about his experiences:

ElderHoldenNorway.blogspot.com

New Year, New Ambitions.

I realize that the new year began a week and a day ago, but I wanted to post about our Christmas with my family; and I also wanted to truly ponder my wishes for the new year.

I have been composing a list for the past couple of weeks and this is what I came up with . . .

1. Complete IVF with Success  - Big surprise that this is my #1, right?!  It still breaks my heart that this is our path to parenthood, but I am working through it being a despair.  My wise and very kind counselor told me that it's a grieving process that requires to take time and heal.  She's right, and it's becoming much easier as life goes on.

2.  Get Organized - You know how we all pin our little hearts out with the best of intentions?  I do.  In fact, I have a board labeled "Organize My Life".  This year, I'm really doing it.  I'm not just saying that, because I've actually started.  PS - The garage looks daunting.

3.  Do More, Worry Less - This one falls under the organize category.  Confession:  I have OCD.  Not like, "Oh, hahaha, that was so OCD of me".  Like literally . . . I worry so much about perfection that I often procrastinate.  I get so overwhelmed and I don't end up accomplishing what I'd like to finish.  My powder room is a prime example. . .

4.  Create - I find myself happiest when I am creating.  Whether it be in the kitchen, crafting, writing; I am at my happiest . . . and who doesn't want to be happy?

5.  Serve - My church calling allows me to encourage service in our ward, but has also helped me to consciously think about serving others on my own.  I find myself focusing on the needs of others and not so much about qualms or issues that I may have.  The act of serving others, brings to mind, my favorite line in Les Miserables:

"To love another is to see the face of God"

Couldn't we all use a better relationship with God?  I would like to make it a personal goal to find more opportunities to serve.

6.  Read.  In French. - I am in desperate need of honing my French speaking skills.  What better way, then to read in the language?  Novels that were purchased during last year's trip to France are staring me in the face.

As you all know, we our hoping (and praying!) that this will be 'our year'.

So, cheers to 2013! May it bring to us all - health (maybe wealth, too?!!) and happiness!

West Coast Christmas

I had visions of non-stop creativity and holiday bliss.  In a sense it's true, but not exactly what I had envisioned. 

Maybe it's still too early?  Maybe ward Christmas parties take up a lot of time (I mean it in a good way!)?  Perhaps real life gets in the way (ie. work, weekend class, errands, laundry, dishes)?  Or perhaps the holiday cheer will kick into high gear once my little brother gets here this weekend, school gets out, and we head off to Illinois?  We're excited for the later!

Life has been busy but it's also been good to us.

As promised, I am staying true to my countdown to Christmas . . .

I love Brooke White.  I loved her years ago on American Idol . . .I thought she was like sunshine . . . so cheerful and nice and carefree.  Her song "California Christmas" is FREE on iTunes  right now!  Living in Las Vegas, I can relate to this song --minus the sand and the beach.

It's catchy and I've been listening to it over and over again, today.

Go download it!

Yet, Again!

Thanksgiving weekend was fabulous!  It's so wonderful to be able to celebrate a day of gratitude for all of the many blessings in your life, and then to have a few days off in order to gear up for the holidays.

In a lot of ways, this has been one of the hardest years of my life (maybe even hardest?) but I have grown so much; and what I do have . . .has manifested itself ten-fold.  It may sound ridiculous, but I am so happy that I consistently posted onto my "30 Days of Thanksgiving" via Instagram.  It has helped me identify the things that I do have, rather than dwell on the things that I don't have.  There have been several occasions, where I have been brought to tears with complete joy and gratitude.  I don't think that in all of my existence, I have had a Thanksgiving season quite like this one.

Life is good.

I am blessed.

I actually signed onto this little blog thinking that I would just post about one of my weekend's projects, but it just seemed fitting to express my most recent thoughts.

So yes, I made another yarn wreath.  The last one was so fun that I thought that I would try my luck at it again . . . and with a felt poinsettia tutorial on Pinterest, why not make a Christmas one?!

Any fun holiday crafting in the works for you?

With a "crafting bug" that has hit me so hard . . . I have a list full!

Conference Weekend and Getting Festive

I love conference weekend.  So many inspiring and uplifting things are said, which make you ponder your own life and put things into perspective.  Here are a few of the quotes that struck me most with my life and our situation. . . 


"So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness — a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial." "The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness."


"No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it. Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf


"There is a tragic irony in the multitude of children eliminated or injured before birth while throngs of infertile couples long for and seek babies to adopt." -Dallin H. Oaks 


By definition, trials will be trying. "There may be anguish, confusion, sleepless nights and pillows wet with tears. But our trials need not be spiritually fatal. They need not take us from our covenants, or from the household of God." -Neil L. Andersen

It's true, we've been through a lot this year, but I can honestly say that things are getting easier and that I'm in a better place.  I'm in a place where I can hear these words and be open and receptive.  

As for my weekend of craftiness. . . 

When I received my October issue of Country Living  I thought, "I'll do that!"  They made it seem so easy. . .tape your chevron pattern, paint away, and Voila!  

Nope. . .paint came off with the painter's tape.  The only reason I finished the asymmetrical pumpkin is because I did it by hand.

On the bright side, I actually have something on my porch this year, and Halloween and Fall decorations are out! 

Back to the Grind

Holy Cow! It's back to work for me tomorrow morning.  I kind of feel like it was just a few weeks ago, that I was getting excited for our trip to Hawaii.  About that, I probably should post on that for memories sake and make summer feel, not so over.

Steven's first day was today, and he came back with a good report.  So far so good.  I was getting nervous last week, because I was feeling like I was getting used to the routine of not working . . . but then I taught the 5 and 6 year olds (my favorite age group!) on Sunday, and realized that I can't wait to get back to these guys!

Overall, it was a pretty good summer!  Kind of emotional at times, but overall really good!  I have a lot of things to be grateful for and a lot of things to look forward to.  In a way, I look at the new school year as the beginning of a new year. . . which means new resolutions.  I want to keep myself busy with things that I've been meaning to do and meaning to learn.

Speaking of . . .

This past weekend, Steven's cousin taught me how to can!  Me oh my, domesticity. . . so fun!  There is something so fulfilling about learning to be more self reliant.

Results Are In. . .

After about three hours at the doctor's office on Thursday, we made a game plan. 

Initially, we thought that we would go the IUI route, because we were under the impression that our insurance covered 6 rounds of the procedure.  They do in fact cover the actual procedure; but do not cover the meds, monitoring, etc . . . which would cost us over 3k per cycle.  Ahhh, never underestimate the fine print!

So at 3k per cycle - with very little probability (due to my condition), we are going the IVF route.  In a way, we had to pick how we are going to gamble!  3k a pop (with a low probabilty) for several rounds VS. the cost of IVF (with a higher probability) for up to a year's worth of embryo transfers.  We'll pick the latter.

**I learned something new.  With IVF, you create a batch of good embryos and then freeze them.  Each time you attempt implantation, is called a "transfer".  I was always under the impression that each transfer was around 10k, and maybe it is in some places . . . I don't know, but at FCLV we get unlimited transfers for a year or until it results in a pregnancy with a live birth (within the year).

So, there you go.  If we want a family, this is our route.

My (Honest) Feelings. . . 

- I am thankful for modern medicine.  We at least have an option to have a family, whereas, we probably would not have had one a few decades ago.
(I'm not dismissing adoption as being a family unit.  I'm strictly referring to having a biological family)

- Even though my dad is an REI of a physician, I feel like I personally only know of 5 others (maybe!), who are in our age group and have had to do IVF.  It's kind of isolating (I've used this word a lot - but it fits the circumstances).

- There are some feelings of, "Why do we have to pay to have a family, when others do not?"  Don't get me started on the people who are irresponsible.  It doesn't seem fair; but then again, life isn't fair for anyone. . .

- There is a level of guilt attached with the fact that, I am the factor.  I need to remind myself that we are in it together.  Steven has been nothing but supportive.  The guy deserves more credit than I give him.  I am beyond grateful for him!

-Okay. . . this part is funny!  Steven has this issue with how children are created/conceived.  He never wanted to tell anyone that we were trying because he didn't want for people to know what that entailed.   Well, it kind of all came out when we were trying forever and nothing . . . and then my surgery, etc.  So, at least our kids will be conceived in a lab . . . bam! Sterile, purely scientific.  Perfect for my science-teacher-of-a-husband! Ha!

**Disclosure - These may offend some of you, or you may perceive me as ungrateful.  These are my honest feelings about the matter and this being my personal blog; I am posting my thoughts.**

After some budgeting and saving, we'll start in a few months!

Back On Track...

It's official.  We are back on the fertility treatment bandwagon.  We have our IUI consultation tomorrow at 3pm.  Steven is coming with me. . .  thank goodness!  Husband should be included in this for sure!  I'm not looking forward to this because I can guarantee that Dr. D will say something along the lines of "this is probably not your best option, don't expect anything to come of this".  Oh well, we do what we can, right?  It's the first steps.  It's what my insurance is willing to pay for.  I'm not the most optimistic person. . .only because if something good comes of something that I have low expectations for and it comes out as a success in the end, then I'm pleasantly surprised!  That was totally and completely confusing but does anyone else feel this way?

In all honesty, it was nice to take a break from being poked and prodded over the last month, but I guess it's back to reality.  Too many different doctors/techs have been all up in 'you know where'.  If we want to have a family, then this is our only option.  I won't lie there are feelings of isolation (majorly - from mine and Steven's families), discouragement, and "why us/me's?"  I jokingly told Steven that I'm thinking about becoming a crack whore. . .they don't seem to be having any fertility issues (no offense, but am I right?!)

I'll let you all know how tomorrow really goes. . . . in the meantime, enjoy my favorite songs of the summer!

Yay for Imagine Dragons being a local band!!  Love, love, love me some good Indie!

Both songs make me feel like, "Hey, I'm me and that's the way I am. . .so I'll deal with it!"

To My Parentals

Last night, we noshed on these sweet treats because today is my parents' 31st wedding anniversary!  It was a last minute surprise that I threw together, but they were surprised. . . indeed!

I am grateful for the example of marriage that my parents are to me.  I'm glad that we could be here to celebrate with them, even if it was a quick and simple celebration.  Sometimes those turn out to be the best!

Happy 31 Years Mom & Dad!!!

Cupcakes are from Halo Cupcake in Rockford, IL

Feeling Zen

My sister-in-law made it known to me that Anderson Japanese Gardens, here in Rockford, takes donations on the third Thursday of every month - rather than their usual $8.00 admission (adult) fee.  In all of my youth/upbringing, I NEVER made it to Anderson Gardens.  Which is surprising, because it's a field-trip 'hot spot'!

 
I am beyond appreciative that we were able to go. The gardens are absolutely breathtaking!  The interesting thing is that Japenese gardens have very little color; they go by textures/height/different shades of green foliage and lots of water. Simple. Stunning, nonetheless.

If you are in the Rockford area, Anderson Gardens is a must-see! I can't wait to go sometime during the fall, when the trees are starting to turn.

With my many neighborhood walks here and my desert hikes back home, I've decided that I am a much happier person when I am among nature.  I feel much more balanced!

STL Adventure

I apologize for being a bad blogger while on vacation.  You would think that with the more time I have, the more inclined I'd feel to be on the ball.  Unfortunately, it's made me really lazy!

The time here has been great!  My mom and I have spent lots of time in the kitchen together; chatting and making up fixings for the fam (I don't know why I just chose Southern verbage).  This is time spent that I will cherish forever.  

Last weekend my brother Shane, brother Christopher, Mr. D, and I drove down to Saint Louis, MO for a Saint Louis Cardinals game.  Only four hours away from my home in IL. . . it was my very first time in St. Louis.  Christopher, on the other hand, is a diehard Cardinals fan; so he's been numerous times.  We got some really great tickets, booked our hotel, and made a quick 2-day trip down south.  Nothing like a good old fashioned baseball game during the summer!

The weather was hot and humid, it made Vegas seem like a piece of cake (we look like a hot mess in most of our pictures).  The weather in the Midwest has since eased up and is incredibly beautiful!  Makes me so happy!

I sold my free replica ring for $20. . .yay!  I guess they go for much higher on Ebay.  I really could care less. . . it was free at the door!

We attempted our first Man vs. Food extravaganza, but because it's supposedly amazing. . . the line was crazy busy for Pappy's Smokehouse and with the weather being the way it was; no thanks!  Next time!

Souvenirs From Maui

I'm really slacking on posting photos from our vacation.  I'm trying to touch up a bunch of them before they are all uploaded for my free Shutterfly book.  I love it when I get those coupons - it happened to come at the perfect time!

Readjusting, has also thrown me into a kind of a funk. 

 I remember back in 2005, calling my mom after she had just gotten home from a month-long stay in France; and she seemed like she wanted nothing to do with any of us or just life, in general.  At the time, I was kind of hurt because Steven and I were seriously dating and I was hinting towards my parents meeting him.  I sent her a text on Wednesday morning, letting her know how I completely understood her frustration with coming back to real life...especially when it's crappy (she was under a lot of stress at the time).

Wednesday afternoon, I didn't want to think about my next doctor's appointment or dropping a large chunk of change on four new tires.  Who knew that tires were so expensive?! Yikes!  Reality slaps you in the face. . . quickly.    

That's life and I know it. . . we could have it a lot worse.  It just makes me realize how grateful I am for good vacations!

A few of my favorite things that we brought back from our trip. . .

Steven's new wedding ring!  We renewed our vows. . .kidding. . .but we kind of renewed our spirits.  It's Titanium (good for him - he hates the weight of jewelry) and koa wood.  I think it fits him!

All of this goodness - minus the pineapple. . . we're having that beauty tonight.  Hopefully, it lives up to the Maui Golds!

Desert Hike With The Pooch

There is something wonderful about having a dog....there are many things, actually.  Unconditional love, obedience, and the fact that you don't have to ask them if they are up for doing something...they just go.  No whining...just plain eagerness.

That's what Bear did for me this morning.  She and I went on a desert hike...and for being quite the wuss of a lab that she is...she proved herself to be the 'sporty' type.  Once we hit the trail, I removed her leash and she trekked right by my side.

I absolutely LOVE where we live.  There are trails, parks, and peacefulness from the rest of this crazy city.  It's actually quite freeing, to be able to walk a few blocks down the road and enjoy what the desert has to offer.  

After my morning with Bear, I felt pretty complete.
This might just have to become a habit.

Punched In The Gut

I'm going to type this while the feelings are still raw. . . 

Remember when I told you that the hardest times with our fertility ordeal occur when people say things not knowing that they are hurting you, but are hurting you; the type of hurt that hits you to the core?  It's really not their fault...it's not like you're wearing a badge that says "Hi, I'm Stephanie and I'm infertile".

Here's the story:

We went out to eat for my sister-in-law's birthday.  Remember the one who is pregnant that I had a huge freak out over?  I know, I still owe you that story.  She's pregnant and while I am happy for her now, it is still hard in itself.

So, while were were enjoying her birthday celebration at Grimaldi's (delicious by the way!) a bunch of ladies from my mother-in-law's ward came over to our table and started oohing and ahhing over the fact that my sister-in-law is having a girl (yay! good for them, seriously)...honestly, hard for me to be around though.

Then...Here it is!!!

One of the ladies, car seat in tow (does that really surprise you? They're Mormon) - who knows my husband; bless her heart...she doesn't know our situation at all, says,  "So, wait?" "Are you guys expecting too?"  "Your mom got up in sacrament and expressed how grateful she is for two grandbabies on the way"  Punch me in the gut at this point.  Steven said, and I can tell that he felt like this was the worst thing that anyone could say right now, due to my feeble state;

"No, that's not us."

*His mom's husband's son and daughter-in-law are expecting; that's who she was talking about.

I had to get up and excuse myself.  I locked myself in the bathroom for a breather.  It's hard, those are the times where I feel like I have been kicked down.

I came back out, but just felt so out of it.  To be honest, I don't really know how the rest of the evening went.

As we were leaving, though, Steven told me that I handled it well.  I don't know if I did or not.  It's hard to tell.

I called my dad, to ask him about a B12 deficiency...but then I just spilled the whole story of what had just happened.  He gave me some good advice....

"Children who are hard to come by, are usually the most well-adjusted and are so much more appreciated by their parents."  "It's true Stephanie, I know this."

And I believe him.  It doesn't mean that my friends and family who have them so easily, are not good parents.  Please!  I have so many good examples of family and friends who ADORE their children!  It is manifested all over Facebook (and I mean this as a good thing; I truly love seeing it!)

It could be something that Steven and I have to go through so that we are crazy in love with what we have! Tantrums, sleep deprivation, and all!

Hurting and still waiting...

Feeling The Love

I'd like to thank everyone for the outpouring of kind words and encouragement since moving over to this new blog.  I am so very overwhelmed with all of the kindness and the sharing of personal stories of trial and growth!  I have been moved to tears (of gratitude and joy!) on several occasions.

Your kindness motivates me to want to be a better friend, family member, and community member.

I truly thank each and every one of you!

Blessing The Babe And Other Child-Friendly Functions

This Sunday morning, we were invited to our dear friends' ward; for baby Holden's blessing.  Yep, his name is Holden, as in, my maiden name.  Not after me...more like Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye; I can pretend that it was done as a form of flattery!  

Bobby and Steven go back to their high school days, and from what I hear; the were hellians.  Not terrible...just things that would make any teacher go into early retirement!  

And. . . I lucked out when Bobby married Courtney!  I love that woman. . . .she is smart, strong, funny, and many many other great things.  She has also taken on motherhood to that little man, quite gracefully.

For selfish reasons, I'm glad that they are back in Vegas!

Is it hard being around all of our friends and their babies/toddlers/children?

Absolutely not!

What does hurt is when you feel like it should be your time and things don't go as wanted or planned.  It's painful, when those around you assume that you are handling it well, and then say things that remind you of your crappy situation.  Kind of like the 'salt-in-the-wound' phenomenon.

**The best, though, is the stranger (claims to be a long-lost family friend) who you've just met and he's probably around your dad's age. . .he asks you why you don't have kids after (gasp!) almost seven years, and then proceeds to give you vulgar; but in his mind...'sound advice'.  Thank you, Dr. Crackhead (I'm not kidding when I say that).


Okay back from my rant, because really this was meant to be good!

As I was sitting in church today, watching them bless this sweet little baby; all I could think about was progression.  Our friends are progressing, not just them, but anyone who decides to take the next step in life; and start a family.

Could I ever expect anyone to stop and wait for us because we aren't at a point where we can?  No, that would be ridiculous!

I am happy!  I am happy for our friends (and all our friends and family), who are taking on the challenge of bringing new little people into this world; to rear them in the right direction and to learn to love unconditionally.  I have some really great examples around me.  It's a very unselfish stage in life and I really look forward to it!