11 Weeks and Some Heartache

Technically, I'm behind and should be posting about my 12 week milestone that I hit this past Thursday.  11 weeks came and went with some heartache.  From the beginning, I promised that this blog would be honest and real, which means that at times it might not come with the best news.  At our last ultrasound, I found out that 'Baby B' stopped growing around weeks 8 and 9, known as 'vanishing twin syndrome'.  It was a shock.  Baby B has always been smaller, but had a strong heartbeat at the very first ultrasound.  I will never forget those words of, "I'm sorry, the second one didn't make it".  Truth is, even before the tech said anything, I knew that both sacs looked completely different.  Sure, I was overwhelmed at the idea of caring for two newborns at the same time, but never to the point of wishing that I only carried one.  After some dreaded phone calls to Steven and my parents that Baby B didn't make it,  I realized that this has been such a fragile process.  Life is precious.  Every life on this Earth is a miracle. 

With that said,  the next few days were spent mourning "what-could(should?)-have-been", and the last week has been spent worrying over Baby A.  Our little one who continues to grow is strong and healthy, but it doesn't help me from worrying that this one will be taken away too.  I'll be honest when I say, "it's hard to allow myself excitement over this impending arrival".  It's scary.  I realize that life is precious and a gift, but how much more do I really need to learn?  Our journey to parenthood has been  the most testing experiences of faith, in my almost-30 years.  Thoughts and prayers would most graciously be accepted. 

I'm trying to stay as positive as the circumstances allow.  I'm in good hands with my doctor.  He wants to monitor me every couple weeks, which means more glances at baby . . . can't complain!  I know every parent thinks that their child is the most gorgeous thing on the face of the Earth, but when I saw ours in human-looking form, I about died!  That nose and those lips!  Heavenly.

A Very Happy Mother's Day Weekend, Indeed.

It happened, Friday morning.  The very last and final of my fertility tests, my sonohysterogram.  As the sonographer searched through my file for notes regarding further testing, I jumped up and felt like screaming, "It's been a fun ride, but . . PEACE OUT!"  My face says it all . . .

It was necessary that my joy be documented.  My uterus is clear.  As the sonographer put it, "Your uterus shows no signs of interference for implantation."  Hooray for a good baby maker! In all seriousness, though, I've had this fear that if any medical professional was given the opportunity to peek inside my uterus, I'd be a lost cause.  On the contrary, there is NOTHING!  As planned, zero surgery. . . yay! . . we will proceed with IVF next month.  I'm beyond giddy!  It feels like Christmas/the end of the school year/we're going on a fabulous vacation - all bundled up into one package and then multiplied by ten.

Yes, it's another Mother's Day sans enfant, but I received some really excellent news; and I could not be more grateful.  I'm thankful for the tender mercies.  They are real and they are there.  At the very beginning of this roller-coaster-ride-of-a-trial, I was devastated and I was bitter.  Shamefully, I have to say that I've never really had anything not go my way, and so it was a hard pill to swallow.  I totally get it now.  It's hard to explain, but a lot of things needed to change and I think that this trial was what it took for it to all happen.  Trust me, I have a l-o-n-n-g-g-g way to go (don't we all, though?), but I think I'm a better and stronger person than I was a year ago.  I believe Steven could attest to it all.  We've come a long way together, he and I . . . I love that guy and all that he does for us.

Speaking of roller coaster rides, Steven and I were 2 of 4 chaperones to take 45 of his 8th graders to Magic Mountain.  Let me tell you, "It was fabulous!" 22 hours - there and back . . . the kids were super cool and my husband sure seems to have found his path.  It's sure good to see Mr. D in his element.

I am praying that my 'roller coaster pics' don't go viral.  They are, in fact, that bad.  Let's just say, that the teenager behind the counter, knew exactly where our pictures were.  Yikes!

Results Are In. . .

After about three hours at the doctor's office on Thursday, we made a game plan. 

Initially, we thought that we would go the IUI route, because we were under the impression that our insurance covered 6 rounds of the procedure.  They do in fact cover the actual procedure; but do not cover the meds, monitoring, etc . . . which would cost us over 3k per cycle.  Ahhh, never underestimate the fine print!

So at 3k per cycle - with very little probability (due to my condition), we are going the IVF route.  In a way, we had to pick how we are going to gamble!  3k a pop (with a low probabilty) for several rounds VS. the cost of IVF (with a higher probability) for up to a year's worth of embryo transfers.  We'll pick the latter.

**I learned something new.  With IVF, you create a batch of good embryos and then freeze them.  Each time you attempt implantation, is called a "transfer".  I was always under the impression that each transfer was around 10k, and maybe it is in some places . . . I don't know, but at FCLV we get unlimited transfers for a year or until it results in a pregnancy with a live birth (within the year).

So, there you go.  If we want a family, this is our route.

My (Honest) Feelings. . . 

- I am thankful for modern medicine.  We at least have an option to have a family, whereas, we probably would not have had one a few decades ago.
(I'm not dismissing adoption as being a family unit.  I'm strictly referring to having a biological family)

- Even though my dad is an REI of a physician, I feel like I personally only know of 5 others (maybe!), who are in our age group and have had to do IVF.  It's kind of isolating (I've used this word a lot - but it fits the circumstances).

- There are some feelings of, "Why do we have to pay to have a family, when others do not?"  Don't get me started on the people who are irresponsible.  It doesn't seem fair; but then again, life isn't fair for anyone. . .

- There is a level of guilt attached with the fact that, I am the factor.  I need to remind myself that we are in it together.  Steven has been nothing but supportive.  The guy deserves more credit than I give him.  I am beyond grateful for him!

-Okay. . . this part is funny!  Steven has this issue with how children are created/conceived.  He never wanted to tell anyone that we were trying because he didn't want for people to know what that entailed.   Well, it kind of all came out when we were trying forever and nothing . . . and then my surgery, etc.  So, at least our kids will be conceived in a lab . . . bam! Sterile, purely scientific.  Perfect for my science-teacher-of-a-husband! Ha!

**Disclosure - These may offend some of you, or you may perceive me as ungrateful.  These are my honest feelings about the matter and this being my personal blog; I am posting my thoughts.**

After some budgeting and saving, we'll start in a few months!

Back On Track...

It's official.  We are back on the fertility treatment bandwagon.  We have our IUI consultation tomorrow at 3pm.  Steven is coming with me. . .  thank goodness!  Husband should be included in this for sure!  I'm not looking forward to this because I can guarantee that Dr. D will say something along the lines of "this is probably not your best option, don't expect anything to come of this".  Oh well, we do what we can, right?  It's the first steps.  It's what my insurance is willing to pay for.  I'm not the most optimistic person. . .only because if something good comes of something that I have low expectations for and it comes out as a success in the end, then I'm pleasantly surprised!  That was totally and completely confusing but does anyone else feel this way?

In all honesty, it was nice to take a break from being poked and prodded over the last month, but I guess it's back to reality.  Too many different doctors/techs have been all up in 'you know where'.  If we want to have a family, then this is our only option.  I won't lie there are feelings of isolation (majorly - from mine and Steven's families), discouragement, and "why us/me's?"  I jokingly told Steven that I'm thinking about becoming a crack whore. . .they don't seem to be having any fertility issues (no offense, but am I right?!)

I'll let you all know how tomorrow really goes. . . . in the meantime, enjoy my favorite songs of the summer!

Yay for Imagine Dragons being a local band!!  Love, love, love me some good Indie!

Both songs make me feel like, "Hey, I'm me and that's the way I am. . .so I'll deal with it!"

On My Mind.

We're back!  We made it to Vegas safely. . . thank goodness!  I can say that this time around, I did most of the driving.  I didn't even get pulled over . . . I wish Steven could say the same. Ha! 

 In all fairness, he only got a warning (in Iowa - on the way to IL).  I'm only calling him out because he likes to criticize my driving.

Picture dedicated to my brother Christopher, who says, "Keep sending me pictures of palm trees and I'll move out there."  So I'm taking his word for it; he may be getting 1-2 pictures a daily.

Anyways, a glimpse of what has been on my 'impatient' mind (as my mom would say) as of lately. . .

- I forgot how much I love tennis!  We played a few times while we were in Illinois and had so much fun; that we made a deal to play more often when we got home.  First night back. . .and we actually did go and play! I won the first set!

-I don't remember ever being so impatient (see above).  Mid-ranting about something, I apologized to my mom for being so unpleasant during the majority of the trip.  We had a good trip. . .that's the truth. . .but if something frustrating came up that I would have to address or even hear about (medical bills for past and present procedures, coordinating plans while we were there, hearing about others' drama and frustrations), I was done.  I would not have wanted to be around me.  I'm surprised that my family didn't tell me to go back to where I came from!  Upon my apology, I told my my mom that I feel like I have very little control of what is going on in my life and that I hate it.  She told me that she completely understood but that I'm also showing signs of despondency, which should probably be addressed.  I'm lucky to have a mom who will sit down and listen.  She's always been that way and I am grateful for her feedback.

-I have a million things that I want to do around my house and the majority of them have to do with getting organized.  

-I'm not feeling the urge to socialize.  That sounds sad, considering I thrive being around others . . . but no,  I'm happy doing things by myself.  I'm happy to be around people, I'm not a buzz-kill.  At least, I don't think I am?

-Cooking has become sort of a passion of mine.  I love it.  I baked and cooked for my family back in Illinois and I've decided that researching new recipes, is as exciting as cooking in itself!  This morning I made stuffed French toast, and tonight; we had pulled BBQ chicken.  Leftovers are being used towards a Pinterest recipe!

-I'm glad that I cut my bangs.  It's a good change and Steven really likes them. . . surprisingly!  Christopher (my brother) and Steven call me "Bang-Bang".  It's funnier with the accent they use . . . makes me chuckle every time.  We'll see how long the bangs stay.  I'm thinking it's a phase; a need for control. For now, good.

-Speaking of control . . . I got on the scale last night . . .fully prepared to see my weight plus an extra 6 - 10 pounds.  I even took my hoodie off for the extra leeway.  My mom's cooking plus the fact that my chest grew back (maybe TMI - but when your hormones are chemically induced to go from menopause to faking-your-body-into-thinking-it's-pregnant, in a matter of seven months . . . it happens), I fully anticipated weight gain.  None.  Thank goodness.  It may sound completely bratty to be grateful, but I'm also completely irrational these days.  I'll blame it on the bi-polar hormones.

-I thought it would be a tough adjustment with the change in landscape, but no!  It feels good to be in the bright sun and see all of the palms again!  Plus, I kind of fell in love with our little home all over again!

And there you go.  The joys of a restless mind.

I'm Going to Miss This.

We were supposed to leave today but that didn't happen, so for real (for real!), we are leaving tomorrow morning.  Super mixed emotions about this.  While I know I have a million things to get back to, I will miss my family immensely.  Plus, let's be honest. . . I don't want to get back to our reality!

Plus, I really hate loading up the car and driving!

Here are the things (just a few of the things) that I will miss. . .

 Walks along the green streets of the midwest.  You don't get that kind of joy or beauty in Las Vegas.

Late night Ticket To Ride games with the fam.  So glad we brought this along!

Baby Elise/Aunt Stephanie time!  Next time (probably around Christmas), she will quite possibly be crawling!

My Mom's cooking! Yum.

It was fun to be able to visit for so long!  We were able to accomplish a lot of fun things. . . I'll post more when we get back!

Here's to 30 hours in the car! Cheers! 

**sarcasm intended**

Feeling Zen

My sister-in-law made it known to me that Anderson Japanese Gardens, here in Rockford, takes donations on the third Thursday of every month - rather than their usual $8.00 admission (adult) fee.  In all of my youth/upbringing, I NEVER made it to Anderson Gardens.  Which is surprising, because it's a field-trip 'hot spot'!

 
I am beyond appreciative that we were able to go. The gardens are absolutely breathtaking!  The interesting thing is that Japenese gardens have very little color; they go by textures/height/different shades of green foliage and lots of water. Simple. Stunning, nonetheless.

If you are in the Rockford area, Anderson Gardens is a must-see! I can't wait to go sometime during the fall, when the trees are starting to turn.

With my many neighborhood walks here and my desert hikes back home, I've decided that I am a much happier person when I am among nature.  I feel much more balanced!

Weed Killer

I'm back on this stuff . . .

In my case, known as, "weed killer".

I am (finally!) at the tail end of my diagnostic testing.  Day 3 of my cycle fell on Monday, so I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  I still hate both!  

I've kind of grown accustomed to what goes on during these ultrasounds (there have been at least five since January) so I know what they are looking for.  I heard my doctor read all of the measurements and then all of a sudden, I hear, "2.5 cm cyst".  

What?!

So, I blurted out, "I have another cyst?!"

He told me that I do, indeed, have another (more than likely) Endometrioma growing on the same ovary.  In other words, Endometriosis, is very much like a bunch of 'weeds' growing throughout my female reproductive organs.

He said that he would not put me through surgery, but that we would keep it contained with the pill.  Apparently, having your period, is really bad for Endometriosis.

He also said that surgery would be bad, because the Endometriosis is attacking my eggs.  At my age, I'm supposed to show 8-12 mature eggs on each ovary; I'm showing 6 on both sides.

I see a hysterectomy in my near-ish (ten years maybe?) future.

Good news is...

My FSH levels came back normal, so they (the eggs) are at least good!

*Another small victory!*

So. . . I'm taking the pill for the next month, because we are leaving for Illinois on Thursday (Yay. . .for a whole month with my family!)  Then, we'll try up to four rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  It may be a waste of time, but my insurance covers up to six rounds of the procedure.  If those don't work, we'll move on to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

It's kind of a relief, to have a time frame of what's going to happen.  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than I have been.  I am, by no means happy, that this is the path we have to take . . . it'd be much more exciting if it happened like it does for the majority of the population.  However, if there is an option, we'll take it.   

My doctor's last words on the phone today, were, "We'll get you pregnant soon."

Let's hope!

Steven said to me today, "That's crazy that you could be pregnant by the end of the year!"

He's been pretty cute through all of this. . . definitely one of my biggest fans!

I picked up this cute little trio today at Target while waiting for my prescription to be filled.  Maybe I should reconsider Target as my pharmacy.  

Aren't they darling?!

Souvenirs From Maui

I'm really slacking on posting photos from our vacation.  I'm trying to touch up a bunch of them before they are all uploaded for my free Shutterfly book.  I love it when I get those coupons - it happened to come at the perfect time!

Readjusting, has also thrown me into a kind of a funk. 

 I remember back in 2005, calling my mom after she had just gotten home from a month-long stay in France; and she seemed like she wanted nothing to do with any of us or just life, in general.  At the time, I was kind of hurt because Steven and I were seriously dating and I was hinting towards my parents meeting him.  I sent her a text on Wednesday morning, letting her know how I completely understood her frustration with coming back to real life...especially when it's crappy (she was under a lot of stress at the time).

Wednesday afternoon, I didn't want to think about my next doctor's appointment or dropping a large chunk of change on four new tires.  Who knew that tires were so expensive?! Yikes!  Reality slaps you in the face. . . quickly.    

That's life and I know it. . . we could have it a lot worse.  It just makes me realize how grateful I am for good vacations!

A few of my favorite things that we brought back from our trip. . .

Steven's new wedding ring!  We renewed our vows. . .kidding. . .but we kind of renewed our spirits.  It's Titanium (good for him - he hates the weight of jewelry) and koa wood.  I think it fits him!

All of this goodness - minus the pineapple. . . we're having that beauty tonight.  Hopefully, it lives up to the Maui Golds!

. . .And We're Back!

We're still on 'Island Time' - not the actual time. . . as in, we are feeling so laid back that it's hard to get anything done!  It's hard to be back.  I think we acclimated to their lifestyle a little too much!

We had a GREAT trip!  I felt more like myself than I have in a long time!  I was happy that Steven was able to unwind just as much.  I'll post more on what we did but for now I need to get unpacked and get laundry going. . .real life stuff...blah.

Summer Thus Far. . .

Summer, so far, has been pretty chill. . .not too much going on in these parts.  I think we are just anxious to get to Maui!  6 days and 5 nights on the beach, sound pretty amazing right about now!  We've caught up on some errands, visited with some friends and family, and completed a few household tasks from our checklist.  Life is good!

  

I had lunch with some very special ladies, to say goodbye to our dear friend, Christina!

Tree-huggers - call us what you want...we are going green with our yard!  Eat your heart out parentals (live in Illinois) - this is all we have to bag!

Packing for Maui! We leave tomorrow morning...3:15 sounds WAY too early!

Oh...and we found out through our genetic panel testing that Steven is clear for everything.  I, on the other hand, am a carrier of Spinal Muscular Atrophy.....of course I am.  Good news is...is that we should be fine because Steven is not a carrier.  To be honest, I haven't even looked it up...I only googled the first link that I could find; and copy and pasted.

I am not thinking about any of it right now, because our Infertility issue is staying right here; on the mainland!

Desert Hike With The Pooch

There is something wonderful about having a dog....there are many things, actually.  Unconditional love, obedience, and the fact that you don't have to ask them if they are up for doing something...they just go.  No whining...just plain eagerness.

That's what Bear did for me this morning.  She and I went on a desert hike...and for being quite the wuss of a lab that she is...she proved herself to be the 'sporty' type.  Once we hit the trail, I removed her leash and she trekked right by my side.

I absolutely LOVE where we live.  There are trails, parks, and peacefulness from the rest of this crazy city.  It's actually quite freeing, to be able to walk a few blocks down the road and enjoy what the desert has to offer.  

After my morning with Bear, I felt pretty complete.
This might just have to become a habit.

Punched In The Gut

I'm going to type this while the feelings are still raw. . . 

Remember when I told you that the hardest times with our fertility ordeal occur when people say things not knowing that they are hurting you, but are hurting you; the type of hurt that hits you to the core?  It's really not their fault...it's not like you're wearing a badge that says "Hi, I'm Stephanie and I'm infertile".

Here's the story:

We went out to eat for my sister-in-law's birthday.  Remember the one who is pregnant that I had a huge freak out over?  I know, I still owe you that story.  She's pregnant and while I am happy for her now, it is still hard in itself.

So, while were were enjoying her birthday celebration at Grimaldi's (delicious by the way!) a bunch of ladies from my mother-in-law's ward came over to our table and started oohing and ahhing over the fact that my sister-in-law is having a girl (yay! good for them, seriously)...honestly, hard for me to be around though.

Then...Here it is!!!

One of the ladies, car seat in tow (does that really surprise you? They're Mormon) - who knows my husband; bless her heart...she doesn't know our situation at all, says,  "So, wait?" "Are you guys expecting too?"  "Your mom got up in sacrament and expressed how grateful she is for two grandbabies on the way"  Punch me in the gut at this point.  Steven said, and I can tell that he felt like this was the worst thing that anyone could say right now, due to my feeble state;

"No, that's not us."

*His mom's husband's son and daughter-in-law are expecting; that's who she was talking about.

I had to get up and excuse myself.  I locked myself in the bathroom for a breather.  It's hard, those are the times where I feel like I have been kicked down.

I came back out, but just felt so out of it.  To be honest, I don't really know how the rest of the evening went.

As we were leaving, though, Steven told me that I handled it well.  I don't know if I did or not.  It's hard to tell.

I called my dad, to ask him about a B12 deficiency...but then I just spilled the whole story of what had just happened.  He gave me some good advice....

"Children who are hard to come by, are usually the most well-adjusted and are so much more appreciated by their parents."  "It's true Stephanie, I know this."

And I believe him.  It doesn't mean that my friends and family who have them so easily, are not good parents.  Please!  I have so many good examples of family and friends who ADORE their children!  It is manifested all over Facebook (and I mean this as a good thing; I truly love seeing it!)

It could be something that Steven and I have to go through so that we are crazy in love with what we have! Tantrums, sleep deprivation, and all!

Hurting and still waiting...

Feeling The Love

I'd like to thank everyone for the outpouring of kind words and encouragement since moving over to this new blog.  I am so very overwhelmed with all of the kindness and the sharing of personal stories of trial and growth!  I have been moved to tears (of gratitude and joy!) on several occasions.

Your kindness motivates me to want to be a better friend, family member, and community member.

I truly thank each and every one of you!

My Main Man!

Okay, obviously it's Steven, but this guy is probably my #1 right now. . .due to the fact that I see him 2+ times a week.

Meet...

Dr. Daneshmand
aka Dr. D


he's pretty endearing!

Months ago, even before I knew that our fertility struggle would go this far, I talked to a co-worker who had her little girl through IVF.  We talked a lot (and continue to talk A LOT) and she suggested that if I ever had issues, to go and see Dr. D.  Well, lucky for me, my insurance covers fertility testing through FCLV where Dr. D is one of the head physicians...btw, I do consider this very lucky!

I met with Dr. D on the 21st of last month, for my initial consultation.  Call me pretentious, but I let him know that my dad is, in fact, a Fertility Specialist.  After being overlooked by a former doctor, I had to set up a good defense this time around.  He caught my drift.

Remember when I said that Steven needed to be there with me?  Here's why...

In ALL of the facts/possibilities/probabilities/explanations discussed about my endometriosis/possible PCOS/one tube, he said that research shows.......

I have a 10% chance of getting pregnant on my own . . . WITHOUT IVF

Depressing...majorly depressing.  I have had a hard time reconciling this bit of information.  Had I known, I wish that Steven was there to hear everything else after that.  I zoned out.

The next day, still sulking, I texted my dad.  Which in retrospect, may have been a form of undermining him.  I told him that there was no point in getting the HSG test, when I'm just going to have to get IVF anyways.  I can be really whiny.  His reply,

"Stop being, stupid!" "I told you that you have a 65% chance without IVF and if it has to happen that way, then you'll have IVF." 

Not what I wanted to hear, but I probably deserved it.  Mind you, the man (my dad) never gets impatient!   I should give him more credit: he knows my surgery, he has seen my films, he knows his stuff.

But like I told my Mom, "Is he just being optimistic because I'm his daughter?" 

I guess time and testing will tell.   

Blessing The Babe And Other Child-Friendly Functions

This Sunday morning, we were invited to our dear friends' ward; for baby Holden's blessing.  Yep, his name is Holden, as in, my maiden name.  Not after me...more like Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye; I can pretend that it was done as a form of flattery!  

Bobby and Steven go back to their high school days, and from what I hear; the were hellians.  Not terrible...just things that would make any teacher go into early retirement!  

And. . . I lucked out when Bobby married Courtney!  I love that woman. . . .she is smart, strong, funny, and many many other great things.  She has also taken on motherhood to that little man, quite gracefully.

For selfish reasons, I'm glad that they are back in Vegas!

Is it hard being around all of our friends and their babies/toddlers/children?

Absolutely not!

What does hurt is when you feel like it should be your time and things don't go as wanted or planned.  It's painful, when those around you assume that you are handling it well, and then say things that remind you of your crappy situation.  Kind of like the 'salt-in-the-wound' phenomenon.

**The best, though, is the stranger (claims to be a long-lost family friend) who you've just met and he's probably around your dad's age. . .he asks you why you don't have kids after (gasp!) almost seven years, and then proceeds to give you vulgar; but in his mind...'sound advice'.  Thank you, Dr. Crackhead (I'm not kidding when I say that).


Okay back from my rant, because really this was meant to be good!

As I was sitting in church today, watching them bless this sweet little baby; all I could think about was progression.  Our friends are progressing, not just them, but anyone who decides to take the next step in life; and start a family.

Could I ever expect anyone to stop and wait for us because we aren't at a point where we can?  No, that would be ridiculous!

I am happy!  I am happy for our friends (and all our friends and family), who are taking on the challenge of bringing new little people into this world; to rear them in the right direction and to learn to love unconditionally.  I have some really great examples around me.  It's a very unselfish stage in life and I really look forward to it!

Emails On A Friday Afternoon.

Since we both work for the school district, it's easy for me and Steven to email back and forth!  Here is our conversation this Friday afternoon...

Me:  I'm having terrible anxiety today...help me think of good things...what are we doing tonight?

Steven:   Uhmmm...I need new shoes. Shopping tonight for Hawaii?

Me: Sure! For you!

Steven: Both

Me:   haha....I dont need anything! honestly! Just a vacation.......with YOU!!!! Love you!

Me:  Outlets?

Steven:  Sure...did that calm your anxiety?

This boy knows me too well!

As I got off of work and gave him a quick call, he proceeded to tell me that he is a genius.  His plan is to let every stressed out woman go and shop, with the assumption that they will automatically feel better.  No therapy, just shopping and everyone will be cured.  And everyone will believe that he just made a breakthrough in human psychology!

I said, "Steven, no!"  "This is known as negative coping!"

This might actually work for me! Oops!

So.....We went out for dinner and shopping!

Dinner at Dickey's BBQ Pit - Pretty Tasty!

Steven scored at the outlets - I may have snuck one thing in!

                                                                

**I am beginning to LOVE outlet shopping in all it's good deals and glory!

Who Is In Control?

You know that you've been to the doctor's office one too many times, when you have an in-depth dream about being in the office's waiting room forever.  When you do get into the exam room, you get poked and prodded over and over again. . .  

I feel like this is my life right now.  Not mine.  It has been committed to the medical field for poking, prodding, testing, evaluating.  No fun.

Did I mention that I went to the Dr's office again?  This is the third time in a week and a half.  Today was my physical exam...don't we know that I am an overall healthy person?  I just happen to have a 'lemon' for internal female organs.

While sitting in the waiting room today (for real- not my dream),  a girl who was obviously there for the same reasons as myself...says to me, "Cute shoes!"  I said, "Thanks, Target!" just like that.  She then says to me, "Oh, I LOVE Target!"  So not a big deal for a conversation, but the friendliness just caught me off guard.  Have I joined some type of sorority? A sisterhood of infertiles?!  NEVER have I had a friendly conversation with a fellow patient, whilst in the waiting room.  So strange, but at the same time kind of nice. . .especially in this town!  I told my mom about this.  She told me that there are support groups for this, and that my dad sends his patients all the time.  I don't know if I'll go that far...I'll wait for my final prognosis.

**I should mention that I look like the youngest person there...depressing!

Everything checked out normal...just as I suspected.  I'm scheduled to go back in for another ultrasound on Monday.  Dr. D is putting me on a drug called Aygestin to help induce my cycle, which might just put a damper on our upcoming vacation.  Feeling crappy is not my idea of a good time!

On an excited note, we are leaving for Maui two weeks from today! 

We decided that this is one of the ways we are treating ourselves for a rough year.  Our good friends, Megan and Rishawn are joining us! They're celebrating their five year anniversary and his graduation from his apprenticeship.  We are all looking forward to some relaxation, good company, delicious food, sun, sand, and the ocean!

Don't Get Me Wrong. . .

I would be lying if I said, that I have been positive on this whole journey.  Trials have their way of strengthening your character, but also breaking you down.  Let me illustrate:

1.  I am not the most pleasant person to be around.  I find myself to be hugely sarcastic and highly cynical these days.  I'm impatient with people, when most of the time; I am pretty tolerant.

2.  A lot of the time I take my frustrations out on my husband.  So very bad, I know.  I need to remember that it is just as much of his issue as it is mine.  

3.  Sometimes, I say that it is my issue and not ours, because we know that the problem lies with me.

4.  I reacted TERRIBLY when my brother and sister-in-law announced that they were pregnant, back in March.  I will share that story another time. . . although, I don't really want to because your perception of me might change! Eeek!

5.  I have shut Steven's family out from what has been going on.  I'm not saying that I will forever...I just feel like because they are so happy about example #3 (happens to be the first grandchild), and if they were to know about all the details--then (I kind of think it's already there) there'd be a huge elephant in the room, named "Pity".  However, I feel resentful due to the things that are said, because they think that everything is alright.  I have put myself in a bind with this one, since they all live in town and we see them often.

6.  I'm obsessive about my weight.  I don't have an eating disorder - I eat.  However, I find myself constantly worrying about how much I'm eating.  I'm more conscientious about my intake - which is good, but at the same time I could relax a bit.  I know it's because I feel like it's the only thing I can control about my body right now.

7.  As the process continues, I kind of feel like the news I get is worse and worse.  I'm optimistic, but I feel like I was more positive the days following my surgery than I am today.
   

8.  I've seen a counselor.  There is nothing wrong with getting counseling, in fact it's probably the healthiest thing to do, but I have had moments where I am so in my head; that I have needed that unbiased person to help me sort out those thoughts.

I promise that there are good things, too!  I just don't want to pretend like I have this trial and that I'm taking it better than the next person would.

Lessons Learned On A Sunday Afternoon

We got these cute little magnets at church today.  It's pretty, insightful, and has found it's place on my fridge.

Great lesson on a great talk.  I (and everyone else for that matter) need to be reminded of this!

They all mean something to me because I fall short in recognizing/practicing all of them, but I was really struck with #1 and #3 with our whole fertility ordeal.  I think it's normal to feel impatient with yourself, with your loved ones, and maybe everyone else around you when faced with infertility.  And finally, I need to remember to be happy with the here and now and not think "I'll be happy when..." scenario, because every stage in life has it's beauty.

It's amazing how you can "plug-in" the things that you are going through, with the lessons taught in church and come out feeling much better about them.  I honestly don't know what I would do without a faith-based perspective!