The Waiting Game

My mind keeps going back to the, "Keep Calm and Wait Two Weeks" poster that I've seen on various blogs.  I can see why it was ever created, especially for those who have suffered infertility at one point in time. 

A lot has happened since I last posted, so I should probably go back to the Thursday of June 27th. . . . our 'retrieval date'.  Under some much appreciated anesthesia (confession . . . I love it!), they were able to retrieve 13 eggs - which is amazing!  12 were mature, fertilized, and all continued to grow. 

On 'transfer day', Day 5 - July 2nd, we had two blastocysts ready for transfer and several on their way to becoming blastocysts.  In the end, we were able to freeze 6 embryos, which we count ourselves very lucky and with a lot less stress; should the time come that we are not pregnant.  Have I mentioned that, 'The Day That May Forever Change Our Lives' is on Thursday?!  I am going to keep my week FULL, so that I don't have much time to think about it.  Can you blame me, though?! 

Depending on the outcome, I will post in greater detail about our 'transfer day' - for several reasons (all good of course!).  Exciting stuff!

Again!  Thank you for all of the texts, phone calls, and methods of keeping me positive and entertained.  I'm restless by nature, therefore, bed rest is not my idea of fun.  The gratitude I have is beyond words.   

I Feel Like the Easter Bunny

Things are looking good . . . 9 little follicles-good!  We were nervous for a couple days, but when it came down to the wire, things blossomed.  Feels like the story of my life.

Retrieval date  is anticipated for Wednesday. . . if you're interested I'm at this step of the IVF process.  Yes, 3 shots a day.  Track marks on my bum, prescribed-weight-gain, and bloating all better be worth something in the end!

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy the greenery out here?  This is the result of Midwesterners enduring long and frigid winters.  I just get to reap the benefits!

On Doing This Thing

I should probably give an update on what my adventures in Illinois have been like, thus far.  My activities here haven't been all that eventful, but will hopefully show for something big in the long run.  All in all it has been great just to be home with my family, visiting, cooking, and sharing Pinterest ideas with my mom (I think she may have had an epiphany of the greatness that Pinterest holds!)

My trip started with Southwest's loss of one of my suitcases, thus no styling tools or makeup for three days.  Fortunately, it was returned and we were rewarded flight credits most graciously.  I still wonder where and how far my little suitcase traveled. . . .

Our IVF process started almost as soon as I stepped off the plane.  Okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic but it all began so quickly!  Blood was drawn, meds ordered, meds received, daily shots initiated. You get the idea.  I realized that the box of medication ordered was the cost of a nice trip somewhere exotic.  Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I cried when I opened that bundle.  The possibilities! Oh, and I have to quit drinking diet pop (yes pop - not soda, especially in these parts), I'm dehydrated, and let's be honest; I don't really want a Diet Coke crack baby :).

I did try my hand at golf the other day with the huz and dad.  To be honest, I wasn't that bad! Who knew?  While it's not my sport of choice,  I do love being out in the green green Midwest with some of my most favorite guys!

I'd like to thank those who have sent words of well-wishes, prayers, 'thinking-of-you' phone calls, those who are keeping things alive on the home front (our plants and precious furry baby), etc.  It is all so very much appreciated. While I am optimistic, I still have some fears and so your willingness to be so uplifting has meant the world to me.

Much Love from this Hopeful-Mama-to-Be.  xo.

Wanted: Cousins!

Elise and London are making special requests . . . cousins!!!  Boy! Do they drive a hard bargain!

Elise at 12 months - April 2013

London at 7 months - June 2013

Because Uncle Steven and Aunt Stephanie - toys can only keep us entertained for so long!

                                                                                                                           ****************

So far, we are 2 for 2 with blonde hair and blue eyes, with my brother's babe and Steven's brother's babe.  Our two nieces are about 6 months apart almost to the date!  I wonder what we'll get!  hmmmm . . . 

I'm about to depart for this crazy adventure.  Pretty exciting stuff!  Steven will join me next week after I get started on this whole process.   I've had a lot of questions on how an IVF cycle works.  It's explained here by the clinic that we'll be attending for harvesting and so forth.  I'll admit, I didn't really know the step-by-step process until we found ourselves in this same boat.  Pretty interesting stuff!

One-Way Ticket to Parenthood.

My ticket to Illinois is officially booked.  Tuesday night, we finalized our plans, mostly due to the fact that my mom was having her hip-replacement surgery the following day.  I was getting anxious to make some plans that would get me out there and helping her get back on her feet, so to speak.  My poor mama . . . that woman has had her fair share of physical ailments.  However, her surgeon is optimistic that she'll make a full recovery in 6-8 weeks.  Here's to a summer of me getting to take care of my mom, something I've always wanted to be able to do for her.

June 8, 2013 is when I'll make my departure.  I am so very excited!  I spend a lot of time driving to work and back and I can't help but ponder what it will be like for parenthood to become a reality.  I have gotten choked up and weepy (I can be a mess of feelings sometimes) at the thought of having my very own baby smells, smiles, and skin to nibble on.  Oh it's an exciting thought! Isn't it?! 

I know it's not 100% but I am feeling good and happy and at peace.  I am living by the mantra of, "Come What May", truly!  I have had a good long year to sort this all in my mind and I've come out stronger, smarter, wiser, and with a whole lot more empathy for those in the same boat.  I have learned that this little trial called "Infertility" can do one of two things  1. Throw you into self-pity, deny yourself of progress and personal growth, and put a strain-like wedge in your marriage - all of which I was very close to coming to or 2.  Acknowledge the issue, gain wisdom and strength, learn that you are very much, in fact, resilient; and become happier and more open to communication and love in your marriage.  I'd like to think that after a year, I've chosen the second option.  I am a strong believer that through trials and life lessons, a part of our brain - perhaps a thought process evolves and a new way of our perception on life is gained.  Life's lessons - good or bad - really can be a beautiful thing if we let them.

Thank you Dani-girl for my "Illinois or Bust" care package!  I'm so very lucky to have sweet friends like you.  You better believe none of it will be used until I'm on my way to the great "Land of Lincoln"!

June 8th - I look forward to seeing you.  Let's do this. 

Svenska Pannkakor (Swedish Pancakes)

Thank you google for the translation.  I figure, if my brother is working on some Nordic language skills . . . I should do the same.

Sunday morning is our homemade breakfast designated time, unless we decide to do breakfast for dinner . . .we enjoy that too.  We have some breakfast favorites.  Steven LOVES the Swedish pancakes at Stockholm Inn in Rockford.  I know I've talked about it before.  They are a definite treat when we go back to visit my family.  Im talking every other day (for the brothers/dad/huz in my life).  In the meantime, we'll enjoy our homemade version:

Swedish Pancakes:

3/4 cup sifted flour

1 Tbsp sugar

1/2 tsp salt (optional)

3 eggs

1 1/4 cup milk

2 Tbsp oil

Sift dry ingredients. Combine beaten eggs, milk and oil. Add to dry ingredients, stirring until smooth. Pour batter a tablespoon at a time on hot griddle, tilting griddle to make a very thin cake. Serve with melted butter sprinkled with sugar, and hot lingonberry or blueberry sauce.  Maple syrup is a favorite too.

Enjoy or Smaklig måltid, rather!

Christmas Break 2012

Our 'Winter Break' has come to an end . . . back to work/school tomorrow.  I could really use another week, which is probably due to the fact I've been moving at a snail's pace over these last two weeks.  I would feel guilty, but I think it was well deserved!

Holden Family Holiday Adventures:

-1 Buche de Noel - marzipan details included - courtesy of myself, my mom, and brother
-1 completed puzzle of scenic Norway
-Numerous nights spent by a roaring fire
-A couple trips to Stockholm Inn for Swedish pancakes and the like . . .
-A much needed visit with one of my best friends and her cute family!
-2 movies that were both fantastic but very different from one another - Les Miserables & This is 40
-French nursery rhymes on repeat with Baby Elise - ahh les crocrocro! might just be stuck in my head until next year. . .
-Hours and hours of frustration over Ticket to Ride  wink, wink!

-Lots of quality family time - doesn't get any better than that!

West Coast Christmas

I had visions of non-stop creativity and holiday bliss.  In a sense it's true, but not exactly what I had envisioned. 

Maybe it's still too early?  Maybe ward Christmas parties take up a lot of time (I mean it in a good way!)?  Perhaps real life gets in the way (ie. work, weekend class, errands, laundry, dishes)?  Or perhaps the holiday cheer will kick into high gear once my little brother gets here this weekend, school gets out, and we head off to Illinois?  We're excited for the later!

Life has been busy but it's also been good to us.

As promised, I am staying true to my countdown to Christmas . . .

I love Brooke White.  I loved her years ago on American Idol . . .I thought she was like sunshine . . . so cheerful and nice and carefree.  Her song "California Christmas" is FREE on iTunes  right now!  Living in Las Vegas, I can relate to this song --minus the sand and the beach.

It's catchy and I've been listening to it over and over again, today.

Go download it!

First Week Back Recap

1.  I survived my first week back to school! I came home exhausted everyday, but I managed, nonetheless!

2.  I have really good friends. . . like really good.  Some family, too . . . you know who you are!  I am grateful for them checking in on me, their sensitivities, and leaving me words of encouragement.  It's been overwhelmingly kind!

3.  We have decided to do IVF back in IL under my dad's practice.  We are fortunate to be able to get it at cost.  It will still set us back a bit, but will sure beat the 13k price tag here!  With some money saved and time off to be monitored, we'll start at the beginning of next summer. 

4.  My parents leave for France, one week from today, and I'm uber jealous!  It's my Papi's 80th birthday.  Oh, how I miss them! I'm thinking that I will repost my France entries from our trip last year . . . for old time's sake.  

My Grandparents' property - St. Die, France - April 2011 

On my Bring-Back-From-France wish-list:

*Chocolate (LOTS of it!)

*Carambar aux fruits

*Timotei shampoo (for Steven)

*Le Petit Marseillais body wash for me . . .suggestions?

*Anything else that would be cute in my home - that is soooo Francais!

On My Mind.

We're back!  We made it to Vegas safely. . . thank goodness!  I can say that this time around, I did most of the driving.  I didn't even get pulled over . . . I wish Steven could say the same. Ha! 

 In all fairness, he only got a warning (in Iowa - on the way to IL).  I'm only calling him out because he likes to criticize my driving.

Picture dedicated to my brother Christopher, who says, "Keep sending me pictures of palm trees and I'll move out there."  So I'm taking his word for it; he may be getting 1-2 pictures a daily.

Anyways, a glimpse of what has been on my 'impatient' mind (as my mom would say) as of lately. . .

- I forgot how much I love tennis!  We played a few times while we were in Illinois and had so much fun; that we made a deal to play more often when we got home.  First night back. . .and we actually did go and play! I won the first set!

-I don't remember ever being so impatient (see above).  Mid-ranting about something, I apologized to my mom for being so unpleasant during the majority of the trip.  We had a good trip. . .that's the truth. . .but if something frustrating came up that I would have to address or even hear about (medical bills for past and present procedures, coordinating plans while we were there, hearing about others' drama and frustrations), I was done.  I would not have wanted to be around me.  I'm surprised that my family didn't tell me to go back to where I came from!  Upon my apology, I told my my mom that I feel like I have very little control of what is going on in my life and that I hate it.  She told me that she completely understood but that I'm also showing signs of despondency, which should probably be addressed.  I'm lucky to have a mom who will sit down and listen.  She's always been that way and I am grateful for her feedback.

-I have a million things that I want to do around my house and the majority of them have to do with getting organized.  

-I'm not feeling the urge to socialize.  That sounds sad, considering I thrive being around others . . . but no,  I'm happy doing things by myself.  I'm happy to be around people, I'm not a buzz-kill.  At least, I don't think I am?

-Cooking has become sort of a passion of mine.  I love it.  I baked and cooked for my family back in Illinois and I've decided that researching new recipes, is as exciting as cooking in itself!  This morning I made stuffed French toast, and tonight; we had pulled BBQ chicken.  Leftovers are being used towards a Pinterest recipe!

-I'm glad that I cut my bangs.  It's a good change and Steven really likes them. . . surprisingly!  Christopher (my brother) and Steven call me "Bang-Bang".  It's funnier with the accent they use . . . makes me chuckle every time.  We'll see how long the bangs stay.  I'm thinking it's a phase; a need for control. For now, good.

-Speaking of control . . . I got on the scale last night . . .fully prepared to see my weight plus an extra 6 - 10 pounds.  I even took my hoodie off for the extra leeway.  My mom's cooking plus the fact that my chest grew back (maybe TMI - but when your hormones are chemically induced to go from menopause to faking-your-body-into-thinking-it's-pregnant, in a matter of seven months . . . it happens), I fully anticipated weight gain.  None.  Thank goodness.  It may sound completely bratty to be grateful, but I'm also completely irrational these days.  I'll blame it on the bi-polar hormones.

-I thought it would be a tough adjustment with the change in landscape, but no!  It feels good to be in the bright sun and see all of the palms again!  Plus, I kind of fell in love with our little home all over again!

And there you go.  The joys of a restless mind.

To My Parentals

Last night, we noshed on these sweet treats because today is my parents' 31st wedding anniversary!  It was a last minute surprise that I threw together, but they were surprised. . . indeed!

I am grateful for the example of marriage that my parents are to me.  I'm glad that we could be here to celebrate with them, even if it was a quick and simple celebration.  Sometimes those turn out to be the best!

Happy 31 Years Mom & Dad!!!

Cupcakes are from Halo Cupcake in Rockford, IL

I'm Going to Miss This.

We were supposed to leave today but that didn't happen, so for real (for real!), we are leaving tomorrow morning.  Super mixed emotions about this.  While I know I have a million things to get back to, I will miss my family immensely.  Plus, let's be honest. . . I don't want to get back to our reality!

Plus, I really hate loading up the car and driving!

Here are the things (just a few of the things) that I will miss. . .

 Walks along the green streets of the midwest.  You don't get that kind of joy or beauty in Las Vegas.

Late night Ticket To Ride games with the fam.  So glad we brought this along!

Baby Elise/Aunt Stephanie time!  Next time (probably around Christmas), she will quite possibly be crawling!

My Mom's cooking! Yum.

It was fun to be able to visit for so long!  We were able to accomplish a lot of fun things. . . I'll post more when we get back!

Here's to 30 hours in the car! Cheers! 

**sarcasm intended**

Feeling Zen

My sister-in-law made it known to me that Anderson Japanese Gardens, here in Rockford, takes donations on the third Thursday of every month - rather than their usual $8.00 admission (adult) fee.  In all of my youth/upbringing, I NEVER made it to Anderson Gardens.  Which is surprising, because it's a field-trip 'hot spot'!

 
I am beyond appreciative that we were able to go. The gardens are absolutely breathtaking!  The interesting thing is that Japenese gardens have very little color; they go by textures/height/different shades of green foliage and lots of water. Simple. Stunning, nonetheless.

If you are in the Rockford area, Anderson Gardens is a must-see! I can't wait to go sometime during the fall, when the trees are starting to turn.

With my many neighborhood walks here and my desert hikes back home, I've decided that I am a much happier person when I am among nature.  I feel much more balanced!

Lake Geneva, WI

One of my most favorite places here in the midwest is just 45 minutes from my parents' home.  Monday afternoon, my dad came home from work; we jumped in the car and headed up to Lake Geneva, WI. 

It was the perfect quick-trip!  We rented sea doos for an hour, hit some of the shops (I'm a sucker for boutiques. . . as you know!), dined at Popeye's (not to be mistaken for Popeye's chicken. . . sorry, but gross!), and finished the evening with a stroll through the quaint town. 

I could easily imagine my parents moving up there in their retirement, and Steven and I spending summers there with our future children.  A girl can dream. . .can't she?!   

The Good Life.

I found this photo on my dad's phone and had to steal it!  It's from one of their numerous boys-only golf outings over the past month.  It makes me so happy to see that cute husband of mine (white polo - the other good looking chap is my little brother), so content.  It's a rarity that you capture a real smile from Mr. D on camera, so naturally it must be shared! 

Holden family time.  Happy/relaxed husband.  Husband who can have fun with the men in my family - sans moi.  Our time off spent in my homeland. 

I can honestly say, "Life right now, doesn't get better than this!"

   

Popcorn Parlor

Something about being home brings about a sense of nostalgia.  Last night was no exception.  I made Steven take the quick 2-mile bike ride over to Edgebrook Center and we grabbed some soft serve ice cream from The Popcorn Parlor.  This was my first time at the shop but I'm kind of in love!  I'm determined to go back.  25+ flavors of ice cream and the fact that I'm a sucker for any boutique-type store . . . I was in Heaven!  I kind of felt like I was in the 8th grade again. . .

   

  I was about to take a picture of Steven and he said, "Don't take a picture of me, I'm wearing a helmet!"  Yes, he wore a helmet (probably the safer option) and then kept it on while we savored our strawberry soft serve.  Not a cool kid!

STL Adventure

I apologize for being a bad blogger while on vacation.  You would think that with the more time I have, the more inclined I'd feel to be on the ball.  Unfortunately, it's made me really lazy!

The time here has been great!  My mom and I have spent lots of time in the kitchen together; chatting and making up fixings for the fam (I don't know why I just chose Southern verbage).  This is time spent that I will cherish forever.  

Last weekend my brother Shane, brother Christopher, Mr. D, and I drove down to Saint Louis, MO for a Saint Louis Cardinals game.  Only four hours away from my home in IL. . . it was my very first time in St. Louis.  Christopher, on the other hand, is a diehard Cardinals fan; so he's been numerous times.  We got some really great tickets, booked our hotel, and made a quick 2-day trip down south.  Nothing like a good old fashioned baseball game during the summer!

The weather was hot and humid, it made Vegas seem like a piece of cake (we look like a hot mess in most of our pictures).  The weather in the Midwest has since eased up and is incredibly beautiful!  Makes me so happy!

I sold my free replica ring for $20. . .yay!  I guess they go for much higher on Ebay.  I really could care less. . . it was free at the door!

We attempted our first Man vs. Food extravaganza, but because it's supposedly amazing. . . the line was crazy busy for Pappy's Smokehouse and with the weather being the way it was; no thanks!  Next time!

Our Fourth - 2012

I love spending the 4th here in my hometown.  I feel so patriotic celebrating in a smaller town.  I have yet to spend our nation's holiday in Vegas, but something tells me that it wouldn't feel the same.  I may be completely wrong. . .

This Fourth. . .

-We (more like, I) decided it was a boat shoe kinda day - So American, ha!

-Once again, my dad outdid himself on the BBQ - his fajitas were FANTASTIC!

-We went down by the Rock River for fireworks and left a disheveled mess (the humidity is deadly right now. . .my hair is proof).

-We caved in, and at 11pm; we found ourselves savoring the Red, White, and Blue Trifle (one of our best traditions, yet!)

-I got to spend another holiday with my family, which is, always terrific!

Tomorrow, we are off to St. Louis for a Cardinal's game, sampling of a Man vs. Food restaurant, and exploring my little brother's favorite city!  I love summer!

Road Trip!

My lack of posting is due to the fact that we have spent the last week traveling and are now in ILLINOIS! Yay! 

One of the benefits of us both working in the education system, is that we get summers off!  Just like the old days.  So we loaded up the car. . .Bear in tow. . .and are now crashing with my family for the month!

We stopped in Utah for a few days to visit with family and friends; many of which we realize, are truly missed! 

Things I'm Looking Forward to This Month. . . 

My Mom's Cooking

All-American Style 4th of July

Visit Family/Time Spent With Family

STL Cardinals Game

Chicago

Sewing

Time With Friends

Lake Time

. . .and Much More!

And, luckily, my 'dumb phone' died and I have now been forced to join the club. . .

Finally!

Weed Killer

I'm back on this stuff . . .

In my case, known as, "weed killer".

I am (finally!) at the tail end of my diagnostic testing.  Day 3 of my cycle fell on Monday, so I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  I still hate both!  

I've kind of grown accustomed to what goes on during these ultrasounds (there have been at least five since January) so I know what they are looking for.  I heard my doctor read all of the measurements and then all of a sudden, I hear, "2.5 cm cyst".  

What?!

So, I blurted out, "I have another cyst?!"

He told me that I do, indeed, have another (more than likely) Endometrioma growing on the same ovary.  In other words, Endometriosis, is very much like a bunch of 'weeds' growing throughout my female reproductive organs.

He said that he would not put me through surgery, but that we would keep it contained with the pill.  Apparently, having your period, is really bad for Endometriosis.

He also said that surgery would be bad, because the Endometriosis is attacking my eggs.  At my age, I'm supposed to show 8-12 mature eggs on each ovary; I'm showing 6 on both sides.

I see a hysterectomy in my near-ish (ten years maybe?) future.

Good news is...

My FSH levels came back normal, so they (the eggs) are at least good!

*Another small victory!*

So. . . I'm taking the pill for the next month, because we are leaving for Illinois on Thursday (Yay. . .for a whole month with my family!)  Then, we'll try up to four rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  It may be a waste of time, but my insurance covers up to six rounds of the procedure.  If those don't work, we'll move on to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

It's kind of a relief, to have a time frame of what's going to happen.  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than I have been.  I am, by no means happy, that this is the path we have to take . . . it'd be much more exciting if it happened like it does for the majority of the population.  However, if there is an option, we'll take it.   

My doctor's last words on the phone today, were, "We'll get you pregnant soon."

Let's hope!

Steven said to me today, "That's crazy that you could be pregnant by the end of the year!"

He's been pretty cute through all of this. . . definitely one of my biggest fans!

I picked up this cute little trio today at Target while waiting for my prescription to be filled.  Maybe I should reconsider Target as my pharmacy.  

Aren't they darling?!