We're Having A . . .

GIRL!!!

We were told back at 14 weeks that it very much looked like a girl - but to not start going crazy on decorating/purchasing.  I started wrapping my mind around this baby being a girl and so when we received the confirmation this past Monday (19 weeks), we were overjoyed!

I'll admit - originally, I had kinda wanted a Mama's boy/an older brother for the girls who came after.  I love my younger brothers, but secretly always wanted an older brother to look out for me.  God had a plan.  I'm a first-born through and through.  My overly analytical mind has weighed the pros and cons and I think I've come up with a good list of reasons why it's a good thing we are having a girl . . .

-I've been hoarding baby girl items since 2006.  No joke.  I've had a stash.

-She'll have an older girl cousin on each side of her family = instant playmate

-Bows, accessories, shoes.  Need I say more?

-Girls' names are so much easier to choose - she has a definite first name - possible middle - we're just not revealing quite yet!

-I can pass on my Samantha - American Girl Doll (I chose her because we are totally alike! Ha, right.) and Playmobil dollhouse (holy-freak! check out the price tag on that now - vintage gem!) - Two of my most treasured childhood items.

-She'll have an inherent love for the Nutcracker as much as her mother.

-Most importantly, Steven has a soft spot in his heart for a sweet baby girl.  He needs his own. Period.

PS-  I'm pretty proud of my Petunia Picklebottom set (photo - right) that I snagged for $15 on clearance at TJ Maxx.  Those suckers run for $60 at Nordstrom see here.  It's been on my mind since I first saw it over a month ago - it was $20 then!

You Think So, Huh?

You think that because you . . .

-Are measuring 19 weeks along (big) and receive A+ ultrasounds every other week and . . .

-Just turned 30 two weeks ago (Hello! New decade!) and . . .

-Had the best birthday surprise that any 30-year old girl could dream of by having her husband and best friend plan the sneakiest stay-cation (apparently was in the works since July - literally had no clue!) and  . . .

-Were 3 weeks behind on your missionary brother's blog . . .

                entitles you to not making updates on your own blog?!

'Tis true.  I've been really bad at blogging.  Not that I don't have anything to blog about . . . I just haven't been feeling it.  My creative juices just haven't been flowing.  I chalk it up to pregnancy brain, pregnancy lack of motivation, and too much Dawson's Creek (oops! I really just admitted that). . .

On pregnancy:

-Thank you, second trimester!  You are a beautiful thing!

-I started feeling baby move over my birthday weekend (16 weeks) after finding smoke-free relief in our car.  Mind you, I don't frequent Fremont Street all that often, but with guests in town. . . I suppose it's a right of passage . . . one we all agreed could easily be forgotten.

-The ultrasound tech seems to think we are having a girl.  We should get the confirmation today at our 19 week anatomy scan.  This may sound bad, but I get horrible anxiety right before our ultrasounds.  I fear the worst  e v e r y time and things are usually just fine.

-I've been having the worst dreams about baby.  Usually the dreams end up with me having no baby in the end.  Odd, super odd dreams.  I guess a bout of infertility will burn those types of fears into your subconscious.  No fun.

-My boobs are huge.  I don't know why they decided to show up, but they are here.  Yikes!

On being 30:

-Steven reminded me over and over that I can never go back to my twenties.  They are done and over with.  That chapter has ended.  He made me feel like a part of me was dying.  I then reminded him that he is with a woman in her thirties, and I wanted to know what that felt like to someone in their twenties.     Personally, I wouldn't know.

-So far, I believe that my thirties might just be the greatest decade.  I hope to look back at this time in my life as a concrete time frame as to when we were able to start our own little family.  Nothing to prove - just to ourselves, moving at our own pace, and watching our little people grow . . . causing us to grow as well.  It will be a lot of hard work, sure . . . but probably the most fulfilling thing to boot.

11 Weeks and Some Heartache

Technically, I'm behind and should be posting about my 12 week milestone that I hit this past Thursday.  11 weeks came and went with some heartache.  From the beginning, I promised that this blog would be honest and real, which means that at times it might not come with the best news.  At our last ultrasound, I found out that 'Baby B' stopped growing around weeks 8 and 9, known as 'vanishing twin syndrome'.  It was a shock.  Baby B has always been smaller, but had a strong heartbeat at the very first ultrasound.  I will never forget those words of, "I'm sorry, the second one didn't make it".  Truth is, even before the tech said anything, I knew that both sacs looked completely different.  Sure, I was overwhelmed at the idea of caring for two newborns at the same time, but never to the point of wishing that I only carried one.  After some dreaded phone calls to Steven and my parents that Baby B didn't make it,  I realized that this has been such a fragile process.  Life is precious.  Every life on this Earth is a miracle. 

With that said,  the next few days were spent mourning "what-could(should?)-have-been", and the last week has been spent worrying over Baby A.  Our little one who continues to grow is strong and healthy, but it doesn't help me from worrying that this one will be taken away too.  I'll be honest when I say, "it's hard to allow myself excitement over this impending arrival".  It's scary.  I realize that life is precious and a gift, but how much more do I really need to learn?  Our journey to parenthood has been  the most testing experiences of faith, in my almost-30 years.  Thoughts and prayers would most graciously be accepted. 

I'm trying to stay as positive as the circumstances allow.  I'm in good hands with my doctor.  He wants to monitor me every couple weeks, which means more glances at baby . . . can't complain!  I know every parent thinks that their child is the most gorgeous thing on the face of the Earth, but when I saw ours in human-looking form, I about died!  That nose and those lips!  Heavenly.

Two Little Reasons.

Sorry for the lack of posts.  At exactly 5.5 weeks,  I found myself feeling queasy in the middle of Lowes.  Forget our next stop to Costco - btw I never pass up a trip to Costco - morning sickness parked itself in my stomach and has not left.  Luckily, I have a genius of an OB/GYN who knows all of the latest MS remedies out there, and who has found a good little concoction that has allowed me to feel  like a semi-human again.  Two weeks of nausea WITH Zofran and Reglan wasn't cutting it, so we added Diclegis (basically Unisom and Vitamin B-6 in prescription form).

Okay, enough with the boring stuff and on with the exciting part . . .

We are having TWINS people!!!!!

We are feeling so lucky and so very blessed.  This is by far one of the most exciting times of our life and we couldn't ask for more . . . okay, maybe 2 healthy babies at the end of all of this, but so far so good!  Things are looking great.

Luckily, my husband has first-hand experience with twins.  He was 13 when his twin sisters were born and his mom has always said that she couldn't have done it without him.  I'm lucky to have that guy on my team.  He'll make a great dad, no doubt about it.

As of today, I am eight weeks along and feeling pretty okay!

Bear Has An Announcement . . .

This is how she really feels about it . . . 

It feels like a miracle!  It is a miracle.  Modern medicine really is wondrous, isn't it?  I've had the thought run through my mind that if I had lived during medieval times and had married a king, I would most definitely have had my head chopped off.  Lovely thought, I know.  I'm a lucky gal to be living in this day and age.  I know it and am grateful for it.

Thursday afternoon, it was confirmed to us that we are very much expecting.  Even after almost a week, it still doesn't seem real!  It's still early - super early.  In fact, I am 4 weeks and 6 days, but I don't have a "What to Expect" pregnancy iPhone app or anything ; ) Anything could happen, but I'd like to make it known that IVF did, indeed, work for us after our first round.  We are over the moon excited and feel like it couldn't be better timing!

"One or two babies??" Now THAT is the question. . .

The Waiting Game

My mind keeps going back to the, "Keep Calm and Wait Two Weeks" poster that I've seen on various blogs.  I can see why it was ever created, especially for those who have suffered infertility at one point in time. 

A lot has happened since I last posted, so I should probably go back to the Thursday of June 27th. . . . our 'retrieval date'.  Under some much appreciated anesthesia (confession . . . I love it!), they were able to retrieve 13 eggs - which is amazing!  12 were mature, fertilized, and all continued to grow. 

On 'transfer day', Day 5 - July 2nd, we had two blastocysts ready for transfer and several on their way to becoming blastocysts.  In the end, we were able to freeze 6 embryos, which we count ourselves very lucky and with a lot less stress; should the time come that we are not pregnant.  Have I mentioned that, 'The Day That May Forever Change Our Lives' is on Thursday?!  I am going to keep my week FULL, so that I don't have much time to think about it.  Can you blame me, though?! 

Depending on the outcome, I will post in greater detail about our 'transfer day' - for several reasons (all good of course!).  Exciting stuff!

Again!  Thank you for all of the texts, phone calls, and methods of keeping me positive and entertained.  I'm restless by nature, therefore, bed rest is not my idea of fun.  The gratitude I have is beyond words.   

I Feel Like the Easter Bunny

Things are looking good . . . 9 little follicles-good!  We were nervous for a couple days, but when it came down to the wire, things blossomed.  Feels like the story of my life.

Retrieval date  is anticipated for Wednesday. . . if you're interested I'm at this step of the IVF process.  Yes, 3 shots a day.  Track marks on my bum, prescribed-weight-gain, and bloating all better be worth something in the end!

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy the greenery out here?  This is the result of Midwesterners enduring long and frigid winters.  I just get to reap the benefits!

On Doing This Thing

I should probably give an update on what my adventures in Illinois have been like, thus far.  My activities here haven't been all that eventful, but will hopefully show for something big in the long run.  All in all it has been great just to be home with my family, visiting, cooking, and sharing Pinterest ideas with my mom (I think she may have had an epiphany of the greatness that Pinterest holds!)

My trip started with Southwest's loss of one of my suitcases, thus no styling tools or makeup for three days.  Fortunately, it was returned and we were rewarded flight credits most graciously.  I still wonder where and how far my little suitcase traveled. . . .

Our IVF process started almost as soon as I stepped off the plane.  Okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic but it all began so quickly!  Blood was drawn, meds ordered, meds received, daily shots initiated. You get the idea.  I realized that the box of medication ordered was the cost of a nice trip somewhere exotic.  Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I cried when I opened that bundle.  The possibilities! Oh, and I have to quit drinking diet pop (yes pop - not soda, especially in these parts), I'm dehydrated, and let's be honest; I don't really want a Diet Coke crack baby :).

I did try my hand at golf the other day with the huz and dad.  To be honest, I wasn't that bad! Who knew?  While it's not my sport of choice,  I do love being out in the green green Midwest with some of my most favorite guys!

I'd like to thank those who have sent words of well-wishes, prayers, 'thinking-of-you' phone calls, those who are keeping things alive on the home front (our plants and precious furry baby), etc.  It is all so very much appreciated. While I am optimistic, I still have some fears and so your willingness to be so uplifting has meant the world to me.

Much Love from this Hopeful-Mama-to-Be.  xo.

Wanted: Cousins!

Elise and London are making special requests . . . cousins!!!  Boy! Do they drive a hard bargain!

Elise at 12 months - April 2013

London at 7 months - June 2013

Because Uncle Steven and Aunt Stephanie - toys can only keep us entertained for so long!

                                                                                                                           ****************

So far, we are 2 for 2 with blonde hair and blue eyes, with my brother's babe and Steven's brother's babe.  Our two nieces are about 6 months apart almost to the date!  I wonder what we'll get!  hmmmm . . . 

I'm about to depart for this crazy adventure.  Pretty exciting stuff!  Steven will join me next week after I get started on this whole process.   I've had a lot of questions on how an IVF cycle works.  It's explained here by the clinic that we'll be attending for harvesting and so forth.  I'll admit, I didn't really know the step-by-step process until we found ourselves in this same boat.  Pretty interesting stuff!

One-Way Ticket to Parenthood.

My ticket to Illinois is officially booked.  Tuesday night, we finalized our plans, mostly due to the fact that my mom was having her hip-replacement surgery the following day.  I was getting anxious to make some plans that would get me out there and helping her get back on her feet, so to speak.  My poor mama . . . that woman has had her fair share of physical ailments.  However, her surgeon is optimistic that she'll make a full recovery in 6-8 weeks.  Here's to a summer of me getting to take care of my mom, something I've always wanted to be able to do for her.

June 8, 2013 is when I'll make my departure.  I am so very excited!  I spend a lot of time driving to work and back and I can't help but ponder what it will be like for parenthood to become a reality.  I have gotten choked up and weepy (I can be a mess of feelings sometimes) at the thought of having my very own baby smells, smiles, and skin to nibble on.  Oh it's an exciting thought! Isn't it?! 

I know it's not 100% but I am feeling good and happy and at peace.  I am living by the mantra of, "Come What May", truly!  I have had a good long year to sort this all in my mind and I've come out stronger, smarter, wiser, and with a whole lot more empathy for those in the same boat.  I have learned that this little trial called "Infertility" can do one of two things  1. Throw you into self-pity, deny yourself of progress and personal growth, and put a strain-like wedge in your marriage - all of which I was very close to coming to or 2.  Acknowledge the issue, gain wisdom and strength, learn that you are very much, in fact, resilient; and become happier and more open to communication and love in your marriage.  I'd like to think that after a year, I've chosen the second option.  I am a strong believer that through trials and life lessons, a part of our brain - perhaps a thought process evolves and a new way of our perception on life is gained.  Life's lessons - good or bad - really can be a beautiful thing if we let them.

Thank you Dani-girl for my "Illinois or Bust" care package!  I'm so very lucky to have sweet friends like you.  You better believe none of it will be used until I'm on my way to the great "Land of Lincoln"!

June 8th - I look forward to seeing you.  Let's do this. 

A Very Happy Mother's Day Weekend, Indeed.

It happened, Friday morning.  The very last and final of my fertility tests, my sonohysterogram.  As the sonographer searched through my file for notes regarding further testing, I jumped up and felt like screaming, "It's been a fun ride, but . . PEACE OUT!"  My face says it all . . .

It was necessary that my joy be documented.  My uterus is clear.  As the sonographer put it, "Your uterus shows no signs of interference for implantation."  Hooray for a good baby maker! In all seriousness, though, I've had this fear that if any medical professional was given the opportunity to peek inside my uterus, I'd be a lost cause.  On the contrary, there is NOTHING!  As planned, zero surgery. . . yay! . . we will proceed with IVF next month.  I'm beyond giddy!  It feels like Christmas/the end of the school year/we're going on a fabulous vacation - all bundled up into one package and then multiplied by ten.

Yes, it's another Mother's Day sans enfant, but I received some really excellent news; and I could not be more grateful.  I'm thankful for the tender mercies.  They are real and they are there.  At the very beginning of this roller-coaster-ride-of-a-trial, I was devastated and I was bitter.  Shamefully, I have to say that I've never really had anything not go my way, and so it was a hard pill to swallow.  I totally get it now.  It's hard to explain, but a lot of things needed to change and I think that this trial was what it took for it to all happen.  Trust me, I have a l-o-n-n-g-g-g way to go (don't we all, though?), but I think I'm a better and stronger person than I was a year ago.  I believe Steven could attest to it all.  We've come a long way together, he and I . . . I love that guy and all that he does for us.

Speaking of roller coaster rides, Steven and I were 2 of 4 chaperones to take 45 of his 8th graders to Magic Mountain.  Let me tell you, "It was fabulous!" 22 hours - there and back . . . the kids were super cool and my husband sure seems to have found his path.  It's sure good to see Mr. D in his element.

I am praying that my 'roller coaster pics' don't go viral.  They are, in fact, that bad.  Let's just say, that the teenager behind the counter, knew exactly where our pictures were.  Yikes!

'Miracle May'?

Photo from my cousin Jenn's wedding this past weekend, here in Vegas of all places (she lives in Idaho)! 

A couple things about this photo:

1.  This is my aunt Mary - she is my goddaughter's grandma (yes, grandma!) and she's b e a u t i f u l both inside and out.  I loved having her here from Minnesota for the weekend's festivities.

2.  Now I realize that I look stupidly happy, but I am!  I think this kind of reflects how I've been feeling.  Stupidly happy.

I promised that I would give an update on the baby-making plans.  Here it goes: 

- I've been on the pill for the past 10 months in order to keep my endometriosis from spreading like wildfire, however, making pregnancy impossible.  I kind of explained it all here.

- It has been the plan all year to go back this summer, to the land where the soil is fertile and pray that it rubs off on me . . . aka use my dad's resources in Illinois and do in vitro fertilization at cost.

- I left one final test for completion - close to the time where we leave (a little over a month away).  The sonohysterogram is done in order to detect whether or not there are any abnormal growths on the uterus.  Boring stuff, but it'd be nice to have things good to go for June.

And so, the sonohysterogram was scheduled for today.  I said "was" because I was supposed to get it, however, due to 'active bleeding' (tmi - I'm sorry but it only makes sense to give such details) I'm getting off the pill to get my cycle under control and then proceed with a sonohysterogram that is not at risk of any false positives.  Do I still have you or have I lost you yet?!

No birth control = 1 in 1,000 chance that I can get pregnant this next month - according to Dr. D

Pretty sad odds, but I am praying for a miracle.  'Miracle May', perhaps?  Otherwise, I'll remain, stupidly happy.

Lapse in Time

This evening's text from 'L'Autre Steph' (French for "the other Stephanie - my mom's nickname for my best friend): 

"Why aren't you blogging anymore?"

Ugh, Yes. True. Sorry.

Which excuse did you want?  1. I've been busy with Relief Society activities.  2. My family came into town for Spring Break 2013 . . . holla! or  3. I have been blogging, just not on this blog per se - ElderHoldenNorway.blogspot.com is as up-to-date as possible . . . give me at least some credit there, puh-lease!  Speaking of, I freaking miss that kid . . . like a lot, but being his 'Blog Administrator', I kinda feel like he is not so far away.

However, I do, solemnly swear, that I will update you all on what we've been up to in these parts.  You can look forward to:

-The Relief Society Activity that I planned and executed successfully, with the help of some super ladies!

-Spring Break 2013 with the fam dam (uh, literally!)

-Home Improvements

-My somewhat green thumb - exciting stuff, I tell you!

-Our 'Baby Making' Plans - get your minds outta the gutter . . . it's strictly lab work.  Ha!

In the meantime, here are a couple pictures for you all to enjoy, because that's what blogs are really all about.  Am I right, or am I right?!

Spring Break 2012 - Me, Christopher, and Shane at Spring Mountain Ranch up Red Rock Canyon.  Geez, I miss that Pooker!

Spring Break 2013 - (L-R) Shane, my mom, Me, Steven, my dad at The Hoover Dam

Recent Thoughts

I'm in the mood to write.  I wrote my brother.  I updated his blog.  I sent out some other emails.  I'm feeling introverted, but I'm feeling good.  I have had some reoccurring thoughts, mostly me trying to analyze things and where I stand, we stand, one stands, and I've come up with some conclusions. . .

1.  Marriage is hard to wrap your head around - Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way.  I've stopped and just stared at Steven and thought, "Oh my gosh, you committed your life around mine and I've committed mine around yours!"  We plan EVERYTHING around each other and we have been doing so for so many years.  It's a trip, but it's good . . . definitely good!  Probably better than it's ever been.  Seven years is for the birds.  If you asked me at five . . . it probably would have been different! Ha!

2.  Marriage shows your vulnerability - Remember the days when you and your spouse were dating?  You were always pretty, 100% optimistic, and had very few vices?  It has come to mind recently, that this person who I NEVER in a million years would have wanted to view me negatively; has seen me at my worst.  Physically ugly (bed head, sans makeup, winter-pale), emotionally ugly (we won't get into details),  my most embarrassing moments (won't get into those either!), times of weakness, etc. Yep.  Seen it all.  That is vulnerability my friends.

3. I love LOVE being a girl  - There is no doubt in my mind that I was born to be a girl.  More specifically, gender and gender role.  Call me simple-minded/submissive-wife(haha, yeah right)/embarrassment-to-women-fighting-for-feminist-movements . . . I just happen to think that I am secure in my role.  Cooking, cleaning (okay maybe not so much), decorating, crafting, making home and family enjoyable . . . that's me.  And I love it!  I think it was mostly my upbringing.  In fact, sometimes I think my parents depended on me for certain things over my brothers.  Could be because I was the oldest, but they always treated me like I was completely capable of anything.  Maybe I'm not  capable of getting preggers without some medical intervention, but I'm not thinking along those lines anymore. . .  Also, my Dad was an excellent example as to how to treat my mom as his equal.  They were and are a great example to me.  So yes, I enjoy being a girl and everything that comes with it.

4.  Where I work is pretty magical - I love working in a school, specifically in a school library.  There is something about being in an organized environment of growth and learning; one that includes books and tales of fascinating stories.  I love those sweet faces and comments.  Sure, I break up fights on the playground and I've been called things that I didn't know kids these days knew existed.  Overall, it's beautiful and innocent and happy.

5.  Cancer is horrible - I have heard so many stories about young people with cancer.  Breaks my heart.  It doesn't seem fair and doesn't seem like something that one should be fighting or having to worry about.  Especially, at a young age.  They are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

And to leave on a positive note . . .

6.  My niece is the most darling/chubby-cheeked/nugget/cherry blossom WALKING little human being.  9 months old and walking.  Some kids make it to 14 months without doing so. Impressive on her part.  I just wish that I didn't live so far away, which leaves me not being able to see her meet all of her little accomplishments.  I couldn't stop gazing at her over Christmas break and my mom told me that it's even more so with your own.  Note to Steven, when we have our own . . . some things may never get done!

New Year, New Ambitions.

I realize that the new year began a week and a day ago, but I wanted to post about our Christmas with my family; and I also wanted to truly ponder my wishes for the new year.

I have been composing a list for the past couple of weeks and this is what I came up with . . .

1. Complete IVF with Success  - Big surprise that this is my #1, right?!  It still breaks my heart that this is our path to parenthood, but I am working through it being a despair.  My wise and very kind counselor told me that it's a grieving process that requires to take time and heal.  She's right, and it's becoming much easier as life goes on.

2.  Get Organized - You know how we all pin our little hearts out with the best of intentions?  I do.  In fact, I have a board labeled "Organize My Life".  This year, I'm really doing it.  I'm not just saying that, because I've actually started.  PS - The garage looks daunting.

3.  Do More, Worry Less - This one falls under the organize category.  Confession:  I have OCD.  Not like, "Oh, hahaha, that was so OCD of me".  Like literally . . . I worry so much about perfection that I often procrastinate.  I get so overwhelmed and I don't end up accomplishing what I'd like to finish.  My powder room is a prime example. . .

4.  Create - I find myself happiest when I am creating.  Whether it be in the kitchen, crafting, writing; I am at my happiest . . . and who doesn't want to be happy?

5.  Serve - My church calling allows me to encourage service in our ward, but has also helped me to consciously think about serving others on my own.  I find myself focusing on the needs of others and not so much about qualms or issues that I may have.  The act of serving others, brings to mind, my favorite line in Les Miserables:

"To love another is to see the face of God"

Couldn't we all use a better relationship with God?  I would like to make it a personal goal to find more opportunities to serve.

6.  Read.  In French. - I am in desperate need of honing my French speaking skills.  What better way, then to read in the language?  Novels that were purchased during last year's trip to France are staring me in the face.

As you all know, we our hoping (and praying!) that this will be 'our year'.

So, cheers to 2013! May it bring to us all - health (maybe wealth, too?!!) and happiness!

Conference Weekend and Getting Festive

I love conference weekend.  So many inspiring and uplifting things are said, which make you ponder your own life and put things into perspective.  Here are a few of the quotes that struck me most with my life and our situation. . . 


"So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness — a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial." "The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness."


"No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it. Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf


"There is a tragic irony in the multitude of children eliminated or injured before birth while throngs of infertile couples long for and seek babies to adopt." -Dallin H. Oaks 


By definition, trials will be trying. "There may be anguish, confusion, sleepless nights and pillows wet with tears. But our trials need not be spiritually fatal. They need not take us from our covenants, or from the household of God." -Neil L. Andersen

It's true, we've been through a lot this year, but I can honestly say that things are getting easier and that I'm in a better place.  I'm in a place where I can hear these words and be open and receptive.  

As for my weekend of craftiness. . . 

When I received my October issue of Country Living  I thought, "I'll do that!"  They made it seem so easy. . .tape your chevron pattern, paint away, and Voila!  

Nope. . .paint came off with the painter's tape.  The only reason I finished the asymmetrical pumpkin is because I did it by hand.

On the bright side, I actually have something on my porch this year, and Halloween and Fall decorations are out! 

29.

I'm 29 today.  I can't believe it.

 Is this really my last birthday in my 20s?  Next year might be a bit rough; although a man in Bagel Cafe made me it known to me that life begins at 30 (he overheard me having a conversation with a friend).  That actually might be true . . . 30 could mean parenthood for us and that would be the beginning of a whole new adventure.

Naturally, I took the day off today.

This is what I have planned:

Movie - The Odd Life of Timothy Green seems suiting and looks charming (I have a coupon for a free ticket on my birthday . . . I'm going by myself and I'm okay with that.  Has anyone else ever seen a movie by themselves? I've never done it!)

Shopping - Have to use all of those birthday discounts!

Dinner - Grimaldi's free birthday pizza!

Treats - I'm going to eat my heart out with pastries and cupcakes because today is a day where I can.

Here's hoping that this is, in fact, My Best Year Yet.

First Week Back Recap

1.  I survived my first week back to school! I came home exhausted everyday, but I managed, nonetheless!

2.  I have really good friends. . . like really good.  Some family, too . . . you know who you are!  I am grateful for them checking in on me, their sensitivities, and leaving me words of encouragement.  It's been overwhelmingly kind!

3.  We have decided to do IVF back in IL under my dad's practice.  We are fortunate to be able to get it at cost.  It will still set us back a bit, but will sure beat the 13k price tag here!  With some money saved and time off to be monitored, we'll start at the beginning of next summer. 

4.  My parents leave for France, one week from today, and I'm uber jealous!  It's my Papi's 80th birthday.  Oh, how I miss them! I'm thinking that I will repost my France entries from our trip last year . . . for old time's sake.  

My Grandparents' property - St. Die, France - April 2011 

On my Bring-Back-From-France wish-list:

*Chocolate (LOTS of it!)

*Carambar aux fruits

*Timotei shampoo (for Steven)

*Le Petit Marseillais body wash for me . . .suggestions?

*Anything else that would be cute in my home - that is soooo Francais!

Results Are In. . .

After about three hours at the doctor's office on Thursday, we made a game plan. 

Initially, we thought that we would go the IUI route, because we were under the impression that our insurance covered 6 rounds of the procedure.  They do in fact cover the actual procedure; but do not cover the meds, monitoring, etc . . . which would cost us over 3k per cycle.  Ahhh, never underestimate the fine print!

So at 3k per cycle - with very little probability (due to my condition), we are going the IVF route.  In a way, we had to pick how we are going to gamble!  3k a pop (with a low probabilty) for several rounds VS. the cost of IVF (with a higher probability) for up to a year's worth of embryo transfers.  We'll pick the latter.

**I learned something new.  With IVF, you create a batch of good embryos and then freeze them.  Each time you attempt implantation, is called a "transfer".  I was always under the impression that each transfer was around 10k, and maybe it is in some places . . . I don't know, but at FCLV we get unlimited transfers for a year or until it results in a pregnancy with a live birth (within the year).

So, there you go.  If we want a family, this is our route.

My (Honest) Feelings. . . 

- I am thankful for modern medicine.  We at least have an option to have a family, whereas, we probably would not have had one a few decades ago.
(I'm not dismissing adoption as being a family unit.  I'm strictly referring to having a biological family)

- Even though my dad is an REI of a physician, I feel like I personally only know of 5 others (maybe!), who are in our age group and have had to do IVF.  It's kind of isolating (I've used this word a lot - but it fits the circumstances).

- There are some feelings of, "Why do we have to pay to have a family, when others do not?"  Don't get me started on the people who are irresponsible.  It doesn't seem fair; but then again, life isn't fair for anyone. . .

- There is a level of guilt attached with the fact that, I am the factor.  I need to remind myself that we are in it together.  Steven has been nothing but supportive.  The guy deserves more credit than I give him.  I am beyond grateful for him!

-Okay. . . this part is funny!  Steven has this issue with how children are created/conceived.  He never wanted to tell anyone that we were trying because he didn't want for people to know what that entailed.   Well, it kind of all came out when we were trying forever and nothing . . . and then my surgery, etc.  So, at least our kids will be conceived in a lab . . . bam! Sterile, purely scientific.  Perfect for my science-teacher-of-a-husband! Ha!

**Disclosure - These may offend some of you, or you may perceive me as ungrateful.  These are my honest feelings about the matter and this being my personal blog; I am posting my thoughts.**

After some budgeting and saving, we'll start in a few months!

Back On Track...

It's official.  We are back on the fertility treatment bandwagon.  We have our IUI consultation tomorrow at 3pm.  Steven is coming with me. . .  thank goodness!  Husband should be included in this for sure!  I'm not looking forward to this because I can guarantee that Dr. D will say something along the lines of "this is probably not your best option, don't expect anything to come of this".  Oh well, we do what we can, right?  It's the first steps.  It's what my insurance is willing to pay for.  I'm not the most optimistic person. . .only because if something good comes of something that I have low expectations for and it comes out as a success in the end, then I'm pleasantly surprised!  That was totally and completely confusing but does anyone else feel this way?

In all honesty, it was nice to take a break from being poked and prodded over the last month, but I guess it's back to reality.  Too many different doctors/techs have been all up in 'you know where'.  If we want to have a family, then this is our only option.  I won't lie there are feelings of isolation (majorly - from mine and Steven's families), discouragement, and "why us/me's?"  I jokingly told Steven that I'm thinking about becoming a crack whore. . .they don't seem to be having any fertility issues (no offense, but am I right?!)

I'll let you all know how tomorrow really goes. . . . in the meantime, enjoy my favorite songs of the summer!

Yay for Imagine Dragons being a local band!!  Love, love, love me some good Indie!

Both songs make me feel like, "Hey, I'm me and that's the way I am. . .so I'll deal with it!"