Weed Killer

I'm back on this stuff . . .

In my case, known as, "weed killer".

I am (finally!) at the tail end of my diagnostic testing.  Day 3 of my cycle fell on Monday, so I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  I still hate both!  

I've kind of grown accustomed to what goes on during these ultrasounds (there have been at least five since January) so I know what they are looking for.  I heard my doctor read all of the measurements and then all of a sudden, I hear, "2.5 cm cyst".  

What?!

So, I blurted out, "I have another cyst?!"

He told me that I do, indeed, have another (more than likely) Endometrioma growing on the same ovary.  In other words, Endometriosis, is very much like a bunch of 'weeds' growing throughout my female reproductive organs.

He said that he would not put me through surgery, but that we would keep it contained with the pill.  Apparently, having your period, is really bad for Endometriosis.

He also said that surgery would be bad, because the Endometriosis is attacking my eggs.  At my age, I'm supposed to show 8-12 mature eggs on each ovary; I'm showing 6 on both sides.

I see a hysterectomy in my near-ish (ten years maybe?) future.

Good news is...

My FSH levels came back normal, so they (the eggs) are at least good!

*Another small victory!*

So. . . I'm taking the pill for the next month, because we are leaving for Illinois on Thursday (Yay. . .for a whole month with my family!)  Then, we'll try up to four rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  It may be a waste of time, but my insurance covers up to six rounds of the procedure.  If those don't work, we'll move on to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

It's kind of a relief, to have a time frame of what's going to happen.  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than I have been.  I am, by no means happy, that this is the path we have to take . . . it'd be much more exciting if it happened like it does for the majority of the population.  However, if there is an option, we'll take it.   

My doctor's last words on the phone today, were, "We'll get you pregnant soon."

Let's hope!

Steven said to me today, "That's crazy that you could be pregnant by the end of the year!"

He's been pretty cute through all of this. . . definitely one of my biggest fans!

I picked up this cute little trio today at Target while waiting for my prescription to be filled.  Maybe I should reconsider Target as my pharmacy.  

Aren't they darling?!

Souvenirs From Maui

I'm really slacking on posting photos from our vacation.  I'm trying to touch up a bunch of them before they are all uploaded for my free Shutterfly book.  I love it when I get those coupons - it happened to come at the perfect time!

Readjusting, has also thrown me into a kind of a funk. 

 I remember back in 2005, calling my mom after she had just gotten home from a month-long stay in France; and she seemed like she wanted nothing to do with any of us or just life, in general.  At the time, I was kind of hurt because Steven and I were seriously dating and I was hinting towards my parents meeting him.  I sent her a text on Wednesday morning, letting her know how I completely understood her frustration with coming back to real life...especially when it's crappy (she was under a lot of stress at the time).

Wednesday afternoon, I didn't want to think about my next doctor's appointment or dropping a large chunk of change on four new tires.  Who knew that tires were so expensive?! Yikes!  Reality slaps you in the face. . . quickly.    

That's life and I know it. . . we could have it a lot worse.  It just makes me realize how grateful I am for good vacations!

A few of my favorite things that we brought back from our trip. . .

Steven's new wedding ring!  We renewed our vows. . .kidding. . .but we kind of renewed our spirits.  It's Titanium (good for him - he hates the weight of jewelry) and koa wood.  I think it fits him!

All of this goodness - minus the pineapple. . . we're having that beauty tonight.  Hopefully, it lives up to the Maui Golds!

. . .And We're Back!

We're still on 'Island Time' - not the actual time. . . as in, we are feeling so laid back that it's hard to get anything done!  It's hard to be back.  I think we acclimated to their lifestyle a little too much!

We had a GREAT trip!  I felt more like myself than I have in a long time!  I was happy that Steven was able to unwind just as much.  I'll post more on what we did but for now I need to get unpacked and get laundry going. . .real life stuff...blah.

Summer Thus Far. . .

Summer, so far, has been pretty chill. . .not too much going on in these parts.  I think we are just anxious to get to Maui!  6 days and 5 nights on the beach, sound pretty amazing right about now!  We've caught up on some errands, visited with some friends and family, and completed a few household tasks from our checklist.  Life is good!

  

I had lunch with some very special ladies, to say goodbye to our dear friend, Christina!

Tree-huggers - call us what you want...we are going green with our yard!  Eat your heart out parentals (live in Illinois) - this is all we have to bag!

Packing for Maui! We leave tomorrow morning...3:15 sounds WAY too early!

Oh...and we found out through our genetic panel testing that Steven is clear for everything.  I, on the other hand, am a carrier of Spinal Muscular Atrophy.....of course I am.  Good news is...is that we should be fine because Steven is not a carrier.  To be honest, I haven't even looked it up...I only googled the first link that I could find; and copy and pasted.

I am not thinking about any of it right now, because our Infertility issue is staying right here; on the mainland!

Desert Hike With The Pooch

There is something wonderful about having a dog....there are many things, actually.  Unconditional love, obedience, and the fact that you don't have to ask them if they are up for doing something...they just go.  No whining...just plain eagerness.

That's what Bear did for me this morning.  She and I went on a desert hike...and for being quite the wuss of a lab that she is...she proved herself to be the 'sporty' type.  Once we hit the trail, I removed her leash and she trekked right by my side.

I absolutely LOVE where we live.  There are trails, parks, and peacefulness from the rest of this crazy city.  It's actually quite freeing, to be able to walk a few blocks down the road and enjoy what the desert has to offer.  

After my morning with Bear, I felt pretty complete.
This might just have to become a habit.

School's Out...Now What?!

School is out!!!

Now, on the agenda...

         1. 

Maui - For some much needed R&R!

          2.

        Go home to Rockford for a while (Cherro in tow!); to see my family and meet my beautiful niece!!!

      
       3.

       LOTS of boating at Lake Mead and any other body of water that we can find in this dry, dry desert.

                   4.

Pinterest projects galore!

      5.

Work on our house. . .Inside and Out!

      6.    And one more thing that's already been discussed....

Punched In The Gut

I'm going to type this while the feelings are still raw. . . 

Remember when I told you that the hardest times with our fertility ordeal occur when people say things not knowing that they are hurting you, but are hurting you; the type of hurt that hits you to the core?  It's really not their fault...it's not like you're wearing a badge that says "Hi, I'm Stephanie and I'm infertile".

Here's the story:

We went out to eat for my sister-in-law's birthday.  Remember the one who is pregnant that I had a huge freak out over?  I know, I still owe you that story.  She's pregnant and while I am happy for her now, it is still hard in itself.

So, while were were enjoying her birthday celebration at Grimaldi's (delicious by the way!) a bunch of ladies from my mother-in-law's ward came over to our table and started oohing and ahhing over the fact that my sister-in-law is having a girl (yay! good for them, seriously)...honestly, hard for me to be around though.

Then...Here it is!!!

One of the ladies, car seat in tow (does that really surprise you? They're Mormon) - who knows my husband; bless her heart...she doesn't know our situation at all, says,  "So, wait?" "Are you guys expecting too?"  "Your mom got up in sacrament and expressed how grateful she is for two grandbabies on the way"  Punch me in the gut at this point.  Steven said, and I can tell that he felt like this was the worst thing that anyone could say right now, due to my feeble state;

"No, that's not us."

*His mom's husband's son and daughter-in-law are expecting; that's who she was talking about.

I had to get up and excuse myself.  I locked myself in the bathroom for a breather.  It's hard, those are the times where I feel like I have been kicked down.

I came back out, but just felt so out of it.  To be honest, I don't really know how the rest of the evening went.

As we were leaving, though, Steven told me that I handled it well.  I don't know if I did or not.  It's hard to tell.

I called my dad, to ask him about a B12 deficiency...but then I just spilled the whole story of what had just happened.  He gave me some good advice....

"Children who are hard to come by, are usually the most well-adjusted and are so much more appreciated by their parents."  "It's true Stephanie, I know this."

And I believe him.  It doesn't mean that my friends and family who have them so easily, are not good parents.  Please!  I have so many good examples of family and friends who ADORE their children!  It is manifested all over Facebook (and I mean this as a good thing; I truly love seeing it!)

It could be something that Steven and I have to go through so that we are crazy in love with what we have! Tantrums, sleep deprivation, and all!

Hurting and still waiting...

I'm Not The Only One!

My closest friends and family in this world know one love of mine.....what is it?!!

CELEBRITIES!

Yep, I know WAY to much about them...could be the fact that I check People and USWeekly religiously!

One boring day, back when we were living in Utah; and I worked at the bank...I had my friends Kristen and Emily ask me about celebrities and give them their latest updates.  It was scary how much I knew! Right ladies?!

Well today, after my daily browse....I stumbled upon this article on USWeekly:

'Stars Who Struggled to Conceive'

Sad thing is, I knew about ALL of them...except Elisabeth Hasselbeck...I thought she just cranked them out naturally!

Feeling The Love

I'd like to thank everyone for the outpouring of kind words and encouragement since moving over to this new blog.  I am so very overwhelmed with all of the kindness and the sharing of personal stories of trial and growth!  I have been moved to tears (of gratitude and joy!) on several occasions.

Your kindness motivates me to want to be a better friend, family member, and community member.

I truly thank each and every one of you!

My Main Man!

Okay, obviously it's Steven, but this guy is probably my #1 right now. . .due to the fact that I see him 2+ times a week.

Meet...

Dr. Daneshmand
aka Dr. D


he's pretty endearing!

Months ago, even before I knew that our fertility struggle would go this far, I talked to a co-worker who had her little girl through IVF.  We talked a lot (and continue to talk A LOT) and she suggested that if I ever had issues, to go and see Dr. D.  Well, lucky for me, my insurance covers fertility testing through FCLV where Dr. D is one of the head physicians...btw, I do consider this very lucky!

I met with Dr. D on the 21st of last month, for my initial consultation.  Call me pretentious, but I let him know that my dad is, in fact, a Fertility Specialist.  After being overlooked by a former doctor, I had to set up a good defense this time around.  He caught my drift.

Remember when I said that Steven needed to be there with me?  Here's why...

In ALL of the facts/possibilities/probabilities/explanations discussed about my endometriosis/possible PCOS/one tube, he said that research shows.......

I have a 10% chance of getting pregnant on my own . . . WITHOUT IVF

Depressing...majorly depressing.  I have had a hard time reconciling this bit of information.  Had I known, I wish that Steven was there to hear everything else after that.  I zoned out.

The next day, still sulking, I texted my dad.  Which in retrospect, may have been a form of undermining him.  I told him that there was no point in getting the HSG test, when I'm just going to have to get IVF anyways.  I can be really whiny.  His reply,

"Stop being, stupid!" "I told you that you have a 65% chance without IVF and if it has to happen that way, then you'll have IVF." 

Not what I wanted to hear, but I probably deserved it.  Mind you, the man (my dad) never gets impatient!   I should give him more credit: he knows my surgery, he has seen my films, he knows his stuff.

But like I told my Mom, "Is he just being optimistic because I'm his daughter?" 

I guess time and testing will tell.   

Blessing The Babe And Other Child-Friendly Functions

This Sunday morning, we were invited to our dear friends' ward; for baby Holden's blessing.  Yep, his name is Holden, as in, my maiden name.  Not after me...more like Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye; I can pretend that it was done as a form of flattery!  

Bobby and Steven go back to their high school days, and from what I hear; the were hellians.  Not terrible...just things that would make any teacher go into early retirement!  

And. . . I lucked out when Bobby married Courtney!  I love that woman. . . .she is smart, strong, funny, and many many other great things.  She has also taken on motherhood to that little man, quite gracefully.

For selfish reasons, I'm glad that they are back in Vegas!

Is it hard being around all of our friends and their babies/toddlers/children?

Absolutely not!

What does hurt is when you feel like it should be your time and things don't go as wanted or planned.  It's painful, when those around you assume that you are handling it well, and then say things that remind you of your crappy situation.  Kind of like the 'salt-in-the-wound' phenomenon.

**The best, though, is the stranger (claims to be a long-lost family friend) who you've just met and he's probably around your dad's age. . .he asks you why you don't have kids after (gasp!) almost seven years, and then proceeds to give you vulgar; but in his mind...'sound advice'.  Thank you, Dr. Crackhead (I'm not kidding when I say that).


Okay back from my rant, because really this was meant to be good!

As I was sitting in church today, watching them bless this sweet little baby; all I could think about was progression.  Our friends are progressing, not just them, but anyone who decides to take the next step in life; and start a family.

Could I ever expect anyone to stop and wait for us because we aren't at a point where we can?  No, that would be ridiculous!

I am happy!  I am happy for our friends (and all our friends and family), who are taking on the challenge of bringing new little people into this world; to rear them in the right direction and to learn to love unconditionally.  I have some really great examples around me.  It's a very unselfish stage in life and I really look forward to it!

Emails On A Friday Afternoon.

Since we both work for the school district, it's easy for me and Steven to email back and forth!  Here is our conversation this Friday afternoon...

Me:  I'm having terrible anxiety today...help me think of good things...what are we doing tonight?

Steven:   Uhmmm...I need new shoes. Shopping tonight for Hawaii?

Me: Sure! For you!

Steven: Both

Me:   haha....I dont need anything! honestly! Just a vacation.......with YOU!!!! Love you!

Me:  Outlets?

Steven:  Sure...did that calm your anxiety?

This boy knows me too well!

As I got off of work and gave him a quick call, he proceeded to tell me that he is a genius.  His plan is to let every stressed out woman go and shop, with the assumption that they will automatically feel better.  No therapy, just shopping and everyone will be cured.  And everyone will believe that he just made a breakthrough in human psychology!

I said, "Steven, no!"  "This is known as negative coping!"

This might actually work for me! Oops!

So.....We went out for dinner and shopping!

Dinner at Dickey's BBQ Pit - Pretty Tasty!

Steven scored at the outlets - I may have snuck one thing in!

                                                                

**I am beginning to LOVE outlet shopping in all it's good deals and glory!